This I Believe

May 26, 2017

I believe that fate doesn’t exist. Or, at the very least, our fates are always changing. Our future is never certain. Nothing is set in stone and our destinies are all just a blur. It’s a lot like an unfinished book. It will come to an end, however, we don’t know how it will end. Whatever ideas you have in mind at the moment can always change. Maybe the plot you had in mind isn’t working out and you have to change some details in order to do so. Or maybe the idea you wanted to add to your story doesn’t fit in with the rest of the plot. Whatever the case may be, whatever happens between now and the end of that story is up to you.

I believed that I was destined to disappear. That my fate would lead me to the shadows, forgotten by everyone around me. I believed that I wasn’t good enough. It felt like I was never going to go anywhere. I was extremely awkward and socially anxious, timid, clumsy, and overall just average. I felt like no one wanted my presence. There were days where it felt like it would be better if I didn’t exist. These days were usually caused by my anxiety, which led me to think irrationally about my situations.

It was particularly bad when it’d be something my parents would say. They would sometimes criticize the things I do, like all “good” parents would. But then they’d poke at my passions, my friends, and, more recently, my romantic life. They would tell me of the things that they wanted me to do, and ridicule the things that I would want to do. It’s then that I would feel not good enough. That I was just disappointing my parents by merely existing. Those thoughts eventually spiral into feelings of not being enough in general. I would be reminded of my timidness, and of how it seemed that no one wanted me around because I was too quiet or came off as rude due to my awkwardness. I would be reminded of all of the times that I could have done something great with my life, and all of the opportunities that I missed just because I was too lazy or too shy to say something. It was during these times that I wanted to disappear the most. To not deal with these feelings, nor these problems that I had because that would be the easiest solution. But, at the same time, I knew that it wasn’t true. I knew that nothing was that bad. So I told no one about these feelings, in fear that I would be seen as ridiculous.

But the consequence of this was that I suffered in silence. I invalidated my own feelings, and loathed myself for feeling this way. I was at war with myself--a war where the outcome wouldn’t matter. I decided that maybe it would be better if I were to disappear. No one would have to deal with me and I wouldn’t have to feel like this. However, I began to open up about this topic to certain people. Various friends who would tell me that my feelings are okay, and it’s okay to feel this way sometimes. And that I did matter, I would go on to do great things. I would cry and wonder, “what did I do to deserve to have these people in my life?” They made me realize that maybe my fate wasn’t to fade away. All of their love and support made me realize that I would be able to change my fate. That I was destined to do something great and that I had the capability to overcome my adversities.

While my personal destiny was able to be changed, the fate of the world seems to be set on one course. It looks as if the world is destined to burn. And honestly, I don’t disagree. Our president is not qualified to lead us, terroristic organizations gain strength through hate, and it seems that we are taking a step back in terms of equality. It scares me that we still have to deal with issues such as wondering if another human being deserves basic human rights. There are people out there, even in this country, who are afraid of walking down the street just because of their skin color or who they love. I do understand that all beliefs and ideals have their flaws, and that hate and prejudice may not exactly disappear. But I do believe that our actions now can change the fate of the world. There are so many kind-hearted people who exist at a time like this. There are so many people who are fighting to make the world a better place. From young people who are speaking their mind, to the elderly who have been fighting throughout the years. Their actions now are making the world a better place, little by little. And I believe that eventually, they will insight change in the world. They will be able to change the world’s destiny by their actions right now. The world does not have to be a place where millions of people die everyday just because of who they are. I believe that we will be able to change the fate of the world by the things that we do right now.

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