I don’t understand you, I don't get you, I can't fathom you. Your motives are foreign, your communications are vague, and your actions are misleading. Sometimes I think we're finally getting somewhere, but then I open my eyes and we're two steps back from where we started. Your priorities are off, your reasoning twisted, your explanations subpar; I never know where I stand with you, and sometimes I feel it's better I don't know. I've tried seeing life from your eyes, putting myself in your shoes, becoming the guy I thought I loved. But you, you are complex, multi-faceted, layered, an intricate maze of love and hate, mixed in with intelligence, ambition, and desire. I've tried navigating you; stepped in the maze…even if I was good at solving puzzles I'd never be able to figure you out. For even if your path was straight, you'd find a way to blindfold me, disorient me, distract me. Your maze has no exit, your building no escape. Try as I may, the more I try to understand you the deeper and deeper I am lost in the jumble of networks that is our love. It's as if we are on different planets, you and I. Like night and day, black and white, we could not be any more opposite; sometimes this works to our advantage, you with your strengths, me with mine. And sometimes, our differences grab us by the collar and pull us away from each other, swiftly, violently, loudly. To an outsider we sound like a hopeless disaster, a love whose expiration date reads centuries ago, a lost cause, beyond all hopes of repentance and reconciliation. And that is where our love is misleading; yes we often fail to understand each other, yes we fight and we scream and we cry and we say awful things to one another…but what really matters, what really defines us is how we never give up. No matter where, how far, or to what extent our differences have pulled us apart, despite awful, vicious words and seemingly permanent endings, through illness and distance, through miscommunication and jealousy, through suppressed feelings and hidden desires, you and I always end up back together. It doesn't matter what horrible insults and bitter truths we’ve exchanged, at the end of the day, it's you and I…This is nothing less than a phenomenon, there is no explanation for the dependence which exists between you and I. It is inexplicable and beautiful and dangerous, and I don't care about the possible ramifications, I wouldn’t trade it for anything…and that is what makes young love so amazing, so tragic. This immense capacity for love…People tell us to wait, wait until we're older, more mature, thinking more clearly, but that is my biggest fear. That we do wait. That we reach a point in our lives when we fully understand the harsh realities and pragmatic practicalities of the real world. That we reach a point in our lives when we no longer believe in true love, that we are awake from this dream, that love no longer surrounds us and blinds us and intoxicates us; I am afraid for the feelings to drain, to wake up sober and grown. We're young, we're stupid, and we're dazed by love, but I don't care; I'd rather be stuck in a dream with you than living in the real world with anyone else.
May 16, 2017