Easily, the deadly sin I've had the most trouble with has been pride. It's the one I have to try hardest to overcome in even the smallest situations. It has the capacity to creep into almost everything I do, and many times, that's exactly what it does. Id like to think I'm not too outwardly prideful, I try not to be, but I know that pride weighs on me extensively internally.
Since we all saw Barron's video on the deadly sins, I thought reiterating his definition of pride in the video would be superfluous, so I'll just focus on two specific lines he said for the purpose of making clear what I struggle with most. Barron said, roughly, "we arrogate ourselves into the limited confines of what we want vs. surrendering to God's theodrama" and, also, pride is "abrogating to oneself the distinct prerogatives of God." These two lines speak volumes, and I struggle with them so much more deeply than I ever wish I did.
The first line deals mostly along the lines of accepting God's will for us. Which I know I just gave a talk on acceptance or whatever, but I thought I'd give an example of how that's manifested itself in my life today. See, i feel like I've taken two steps forward and three steps back. I'm going through the same struggle I was living about seven months ago. In a different way, yes, but the same situation regardless. And you'd think with all of the reflections I've had on the subject I'd be much more confident with my progress, but I'm starting to think that isn't really the case.
Once again, I'm having trouble accepting where God wants to take me for college. I overcame the detachment a few months back, and would've gladly accepted not having gone to Notre Dame before my acceptance there, but I'm in so much deeper now than I was then, and I'm having lots of trouble detaching myself from what I want for my own future. Id like to think I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will end up wherever I am absolutely meant to end up. I know God has something more beautiful planned for me than I could ever plan for myself, but my pride goes beyond that. I want God's plans for me to coincide with my own plans for myself. And it's horrible. I'm struggling so much with allowing God to take control of what he wants to accomplish with me. I know I'll be fine if I stay here, but it's not what I want. And that's something I'm really trying to detach myself from, but it's proving difficult. It's not that I'm outwardly upset, but it bothers me.
The other line, speaks more about thinking too highly of ourselves, rejecting our reality, our humanity. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. It's very present in my life. Whenever I'm doing anything that may be considered "good works" many times I seek acceptance or gratification from others. I seek to be noticed for any good works I do. Its not that I do good works with this sole purpose, but pride tends to creep in as I'm actively doing them. Mid-work, I hope I'm recognized for what I'm doing. I like having others recognize what I do, which totally devalidates any good works I may do.