Do’s and Donuts: Advice to Dunkin Donuts Customers

March 16, 2017
By Anonymous

After being told I would need to write advice to a certain group of people, I wondered: “Who should I write to? I love my parents, and have no advice to give them. I respect my teachers far too much to give them any advice. My boss and coworkers all work just as hard as me, so they don't need any advice either. I have no one to give any advice to.” But then it hit me. Which group of people work me harder and frustrate me more than anyone else? My customers! Not my friendly, smiley, considerate customers who have simple orders and tip well, but my grumpy, angry, selfish customers who order five coffees followed by three sandwiches, a bagel, two donuts, an order of hashbrowns, two lattes, and three smoothies, all while tipping me a grand total of seventeen cents. Those are the people who could use some advice from a cashier’s perspective. Those are the people I can write to.

First, my cranky customers, you must understand that I, in fact, am a superhero. No matter how difficult your order is, no matter how inaudibly you speak, no matter how angry you get when I ask you to repeat the order you fired off rapidly at me, I can use the superpowers I have garnered while working at Dunkin Donuts to handle anything you throw at me. So please, entertain yourselves. Try to see how far you can push me before I collapse into a pile of tears and iced coffee. I promise my superpowers will amaze you.

Now, my not-so-friendly friends, make sure you order as many foods and drinks as you can possibly imagine. Do not limit yourself! I'm 100% alright with making three smoothies on one end of the store and then running like an Olympic sprinter across the store to make a latte and two sandwiches. And if I happen to be going too slowly for your standards, just complain! Roll your eyes! Sigh! GROAN!! Better yet, do a combination of any of them! (My favorite combination is the eye roll and groan. I find it helps me work much faster and more efficiently.) Obviously, this shouldn't happen though. Remember, I am a superhero. I should always use my super speed power to make sure that each order, no matter how massive it may be, is completed in sixty seconds or less.

Always, always, always make sure you are vague when ordering. When ordering a coffee, NEVER tell me: how much dairy you want; which dairy you want; how much sugar you want; what size coffee you want; or whether you want a hot coffee or an iced coffee. You will honestly just mess me up. You see, being a superhero, not only do I have the power of super speed, but I also have the power of telepathy. Always know that if you come up to me and say: “I want a coffee,” I will immediately understand that you want a large, decaf ice coffee with two pumps of mocha swirl and three pumps of caramel swirl, one and a half sugars, eleven hots of skim milk, only half the ice, and an espresso shot. What kind of superhero-cashier would I be if I didn't know that? If you want a bagel, don't you dare tell me what kind you want and how you want it cooked. Just say “I want a bagel.” Obviously, I should know you want a multigrain bagel toasted lightly with reduced fat cream cheese on it. Always use my telepathy to your full advantage.

Never, I repeat, never order for your kids. Hold them on your shoulders and ask them what they want as drool trickles out of their wide-open mouths. If they point to the general vicinity of the donut cases saying “I want that one,” do not worry. Not only am I super fast and telepathic, but I am also omnilingual. I can fluently speak the Romance languages of French, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian, and, of course, Baby. So when your child says he or she wants “that one,” obviously I know whether they want a glazed chocolate donut or chocolate frosted with the pink sprinkles, not the blue and green ones. The language of Baby is not easy to translate, though. “That one” could apply to donuts as well as munchkins, muffins, and even cookies. It takes a trained linguist such as myself to be able to decipher the differences. Failing to properly translate will result in a tantrum, not only from the child, but me too.

I think I have said enough. I hope my valuable and not-sarcastic-at-all advice is appreciated and helps you act properly in accordance with Dunkin Donuts etiquette. So next time you are in the donut shop, remember to treat me with as little respect and courtesy as possible. And, at the very least, make sure to throw a couple of quarters in my tip jar just to make things even.

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