My Silent Mind

March 1, 2017

Less than a week from my birthday and well; I’m not one to ask for anything, I’m not one who’s full of greed and disrespect. I appreciate the things my family gets me, even the little things. Such as last year, I didn’t ask, but my aunt insisted  on me looking for something on Amazon. I went in my room and looked around for what I might need, and I looked at my Xbox 360, and said to myself “I don’t want to be loud when I game, so maybe a headset will be nice.

That headset has lasted me a very long time, and I’m very grateful, well it’s finally coming to its end. But here’s what’s the problem; my little brother who is a year younger than I has been through maybe 2 headsets, and 4 original ones that come in the box. I wouldn’t say he is completely spoiled but, try and guess who plays the Xbox one the most. Not me, I have to get home and get on it before he does in order to play a few games. The reason it is easy for him to keep gaming, from 3:18pm till 12 or 1am is because he’s not an independent person who does stuff on how own.

I’ll explain more into detail about what I’m trying to say.  Since sophomore year, I have skated to and from school without the help of anyone, other than a wake-up call. It’s about the end of my junior year and I still skate; I don’t mind not having a car, but in the winter or spring time, I would walk in the freezing cold, and skate in the rain. I’m proving to myself and my parents that I don’t need transportation to get me from one place to another. I’m simply proving my independence, and how I have grown up faster than anyone in my family.
He gets woken up in the morning like everyone else, but will sleep a bit more until his friend’s mother comes to pick him up and take him to school. It’s not that far, I’ve skated and have ridden my bike to his school’s location. He and I were told if we could pull good grades that our mother would enroll us in driving school. Well I felt like I can do this because it seemed simple, I pulled two classes to 100% and have still kept them that way. But guess what, a junior in high school still has to wait till he gets to drive. My freshman of a brother is practicing his driving, and will likely be driving by himself when he’s a sophomore.

The reason I’m talking in defense is because driving school is expensive and the fact that I haven’t bothered my parents for a car or license, that I simply took matters in my hand, bought a long bored, and have been using that ever since. Well I see who the favorite of the family is. My little sister’s birthday is coming up soon, and since I’ll be out of high school soon, I thought of buying her a longboard. She very much likes it, since I did have her pick it out; all she needs is more practice and she will be as good as me.

Also the reason I am bringing this up is because being the oldest, I have a lot of responsibility over my younger siblings, so yes; having a car to drive them places would have been nice, but me being the quiet and angered child, I get shut down and ignored; till of course I get into trouble then all hell breaks loose on me. Just like the time I got suspended in the 6th and 7th grade, then my parents started paying attention; well even when I did sports they would finally pay attention to me. No I’m not stating that I’m attention seeking; it just would be nice to be recognized for the things that I do, and have done by myself. Such as my job which I did all by myself without the help of anyone else, yet no one is proud of me. I got the job by myself, without asking my parents for help, and without having to make connections in order to get this job. But hey, it doesn’t take a genius to get recognition. It takes a mad man to do something bad to finally get noticed.

I can go on and on about the many things that are wrong. But the right things are also abrupt around me. But it doesn’t consist of my family. It consists of the families that I make for myself, the friends that I must make in order for me to keep myself motivated to try and succeed. I laugh at the fact of graduation, like give me my handshake and the piece of paper that states “you finished high school, now drop dead in the real world.” I’m almost 18, so in the eyes of thousands, I will just be another kid in this world who’s after some run down job that doesn’t pay much. I want to make something for myself and make my little sister proud; yes, my little sister, not my parents who don’t care, not my brother who gives nothing to no one, but my sister who I do have a close relationship with.

The only way to impress my dad, is by fixing a car, lifting heavy objects, playing sports, and doing something amazing in a game. Impressing my mom is much harder, because the only thing she expects me to do, is to simply graduate and get out of the house. I’d like to make it big in the world of business, but not behind some lame cubicle. More close to the title of CEO, of a big company, but not one that is corrupt. Having that kind of title will look bad, but finally make my parents proud.

Thinking on it now, it must feel low to have to make your kid feel like he needs attention, and to make him think all the time that he’s a failure because he simply can’t impress either parent. Remember the times in pre-school and kindergarten when you would place a picture he or she drew on the front of the fridge? Remember when you would tell him or her good job because you now that they’re developing minds will have difficulty learning the new things in this world? Remember the high fives and the small laughs you would give to him or her when they did something great or had a funny joke? Well in this case he remembers the past. He remembers so vividly, he remembers the good and the bad, when you would yell or feel proud. It’s repeated in his mind every day. Why would you make him try so hard to finally get noticed, leaving him behind just so you can show off your other kid is a nice way to tell him to f*** off.

Words hurt, but not when you remember the memory and the words so well. It blocks out the good and keeps the bad on repeating. The oldest memory that I still have is being yelled at in public; but I don’t remember the words because they were said in slow motion, with other sounds blocking my father out. It’s very impressive that I can still remember everything from my past; yet I can’t remember things from when I was four. Everything before that is really a blur. Why do I need to impress others to get my point across? I say screw it, I’m just going to do everything myself and make it big.

This story could possibly go on for a very long time; my mind is full of backstories that are rude, sad, some that can even anger you. But I should leave that for another day of writing, then placing all my stories onto a few pages.

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