Recently, I've turned 16 and while I had a wonderful birthday, it left me with a sense of displacement. I've been in school for a year and a half, and when I started, I was that freshman. The one who raised her hand at every question, who knew where she wanted to go to college, who volunteered for every club in the world. I mean I was the definition of driven, but things happened and I changed. Being that person wasn't fulfilling me the way I thought it was and I definitely wasn't happy.
Here I am sophomore year and instead of having an idea about who I am, I'm as clueless as Watson when he's hanging out with Sherlock. I thought high school would help me define everything, but all it did was change everything. Now I'm here and I feel so inadequate that it weighs me down emotionally. At least freshman year I had an inkling about who I could be and that protected me. Now I'm scared about my future and I sincerely don't know what to do about it.
Luckily high school is providing me with some insight about what I'm good at and what makes me happy because I think it's important for any future that you be content with how it all turned out. I know I love books and maybe I'll start writing one. I also like learning and visiting other places. And Drama Club can really handle my energy which can come off a little strong. I guess high school had to change it up for me. So I could discover who I am. Or more correctly, who I could be.
Maybe high school is supposed to give you this hazy feeling, so you could always keep perspective since it's easy to lose sometimes. Freshman year I would have never auditioned for the school musical and this year I did and while I might have sucked it gave me a bit of courage which I might need. I also submitted a song for my Honors World Lit class, instead of doing a presentation like I usually do and my class loved it. I used to be afraid of being creative because I didn't think I was good at it and now high school is pushing me into it more and I'm starting to see my potential in that area.
That's not saying I'm scared because I'm still dealing with this terrified feeling all the time. I mean this time next year I'll be a junior. I'll have SAT's, college applications, and an actual plan for my future to deal with, but I think I'm going to be okay and that lessens the feelings sometimes which is ok for now.