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Can't Take it Anymore

By , pasco, WA

The question I always get asked by my parents is “how are you today?” I know not a big deal for someone but for me and my parents that one question means a lot. Usually to get out of a big conversation with my parents or to avoid balling my eyes out, I respond only with “good”. I want to open up to my parents and tell them I can’t take it anymore! But I can’t I get so chocked up on expressing how I actually feel inside.

I’ve been dealing with this “issue” for 2 years already, counseling and medication doesn’t seem to be doing any good to me. My emotions and feelings are like a rollercoaster, one minute I’m happy about life the next I just honestly… want to end it. My parents sometimes get mad and upset because I guess I’m so confusing to them. My own father tells me I should do an effort to try and get out of this gray bubble, but father if only you knew it isn’t that easy just saying it.

Sometimes to find happiness I choose the bad instead of the good. I consider my only “friend” to be a bad influence but I feel so close to her because she deals with the same “issues” as me… don’t want to lose that comfort zone. This is my last year of high school and I’ve never felt so out of breath and filled with anxiety. It’s been around 3weeks since school started and I’m so terrified. Graduation seems so far away yet so close, so much to do so little time.

Dropping out of high school sometimes crosses my mind, my chest feel so tight I can barely breath, dealing with school, anxiety, and depression yes depression. Its so hard for me so difficult to even say that word “depression”. I know it’s very common for teens or anyone really to deal with this issue but I often ask myself and question god “why me, why must I deal with all this I’m only 17, so much pain, so much sadness for someone whose only 17!”. Like my dad says don’t ever question god for the things you’re dealing with because he always gives you what you can handle not something you can’t.

I feel so guilty at times for questioning god, but I can’t help it. I know there’s going to be a silver lining to all this one day, but for right now I can’t take it anymore. I can’t lie thou I have the best family support in the world, and I have god in my life I just sometimes wish they could understand better what I’m going though.  I lay in my bed with my headphones in my ears just ignoring the world for a bit. Sleep throughout the day when I come from school, throughout the weekend too just ignoring everything and everyone around me.

It’s so bad getting into that habit of sleeping all throughout the day, it gets you deeper and deeper into that hole depression digged for you and it’s even harder to climb out of. To me sleeping is just so much better than facing the world and the terrifying part of this is I feel myself already in too deep that hole, and I can’t and I don’t even bother climbing out of it anymore.

You hear this every time “it gets better”, I’m sure it does but when, when will it all get better. When will you be enjoying life without depression and that anxiety creeping up on you on a day to day base?

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