I remember when I was little, full of life and love. Sometimes on the weekends my mother would say that if we could get ‘requested task’ complete than we could go see a movie at the theatres as a family. Immediately it would register to me as a promise, a bargain, something that if I upheld my end of the deal, she would uphold hers. So off I would set to finish my job be it cleaning or homework or a mixture of the two I would envelop myself in the task and the reward of a movie would slip to the back of my mind as I worked on whatever I had to accomplish. However it was still always there. The knowledge, that when all this was over, I’d get the prize. I see that film I desperately wanted to watch. So as I remember the weekend would draw to a close, and I would begin asking about the movie.
“Mum can we see it? Mum can we go see it? Please, you said we could!” I would annoyingly plead.
More often than not the answer would be no. Shattered. My heart would break each time. The distinct feeling of betrayal and hurt, knowing I assumed all weekend long “that was the plan”, and when the plan would change (and sometimes to some very reasonable circumstances) I would feel so upset. Of course me being I, I express my feelings of hurt through anger, through trying to hurt others, I guess to try and make them feel the same hurt I was feeling. As a kid this would send me crazy in a rush of anger and tears, I would storm to my room. This sadness swelling in my stomach. Obviously I would wake up the next morning the weekend a distant memory of hurt, but ready to move forward with my busy week.
Imagine me now. This experience, these feelings multiplied by one million degrees of pain. We did everything right, we followed the rule book, we preserved our relationship, we put it on hold when we lost focus of the Lord, we loved in the moments we had together, we put others first, we were so young but so wise, we loved each other but with that comes hurting each other; because if you fully give your heart to someone else you give them the power to crush it. We both made mistakes. Now we’re here. You’re dead. I’m here. Without you. Dead inside.
We made decisions. But I held on to our promises that one day we would be reunited. I knew in my heart we would. But before the weekend even came to a close, before I could even start begging for the movies, the theatre got shut down. Now it’s pointless. “The plan” didn’t go to plan. “My plan” in my mind was crushed. The answer would be no. Shattered. My heart fully broke. Now I’m in pieces, and even if I gained the strength or motivation to piece it back together it can’t ever be the same. It’s as smashed as your car. That bloody piece of crap that failed to protect you. To protect us.
I loved and I loved and I lost you. And it hurts like hell.