Sophomore year, before i went to see my grandpa, what once existed does not anymore.  I used to think, just go with the flow of things and everything comes easy.   I used to not think of others much.  I just kept to myself.
    

I went to see my grandpa because my mom heard he was sick.  We went up to Canal Fulton in Ohio to check up on him. The house where we all came together at.  The place where we play family football.  The place where we helped him with his garden. I walk in the living room where we make fires together. I walk in with new eyes seeing him with an oxygen tank with tubes on his face. Funny,  I remember our conversation that day when i walked in and hugged him.

Me: Hi Grandpa. How are you?
Grandpa: Good, good deary (patting my hand). I like that shirt you're wearing.
Me: Oh thanks.  It's from my dad. It''s my other grandpa's shirt.
Grandpa: So, you like those kind of shirts?
Me: Yes i do. (starts laughing)
Grandpa: Go over to the table. Do you see that shirt on the chair?
Me: Okay and yes I do.
Grandpa: Take that shirt from me. From your living grandpa.
Me: (I laughed a little) Okay Grandpa.

The next day I wore that red plaid flannel shirt. That day I never forgot. I may not listen well or remember some things, but this conversation will never leave my head. After that we go up whenever we can. My grandpa looked nice and healthy in the beginning. Even though I was the only one that went to see him with my mom.  My siblings were to busy or didn't want to go.
    

My mom got upset every time we left her dad, my grandpa. I knew I had to support my mom some way. Each time I go back I see him get skinnier and skinnier. My grandpa was always asking me about my future. So, we always talked about school. Where I’m planning to go college and what my major will be.  At that moment I realized enough screwing around.
     

At a point, when you come up near him, you can tell how hard it is to breathe. He always wanted to fix his garden.  My aunt and me went and bought an outdoor bench for him to sit on, so he tell us what to do to the garden.

One time my aunt and grandma didn't have time to clip his toenails. I know it sounds gross, but I helped my mom with that. We were also cleaning off green nail polish on his toe nails that my cousin put on.  She had wanted to do spa day and of course my grandpa let her.  His nails looked like fungus.    I saw my grandpas feet. They were swelling up.  That usually that means his blood is not circulating to his feet, which also means not enough is going to his heart either.  That point, knowing what is happening to his body, is just heartbreaking.

The beginning of my junior year.   I only stayed with my family and didn't go out and see friends much. I heard my grandpa started having trouble walking. We all help him get to his chair, his bed upstairs, to his garden, back porch, sometimes the bathroom. My grandpa is a very prideful man.  He hates when people wont tell him whats going on. He likes to be in control.  He also hates people telling him what to do or them trying to help him.  What he did was attack us and point out our imperfections.  He always asked me,“Jane, when u getting that surgery so you can hear?”.  I'd just say, “Grandpa I  already told you.  I can't have it.  I don't qualify”.  But I thought of the stuff he points out is what he worries about the most about us.  Because he won't live forever to point us in the direction, to push us further. The person I once was is no more.  Every time I go up to see him, I change into a whole new person.
    

One day my aunt called my mom told her my grandpa was in the hospital.  He was going to have to stay there for a couple days. When my mom told me he was in the hospital I was worried not only for him, but for my whole family. The doctors said they seen guy like him stay alive for years staying in bed in the hospital. Our family didn't want my grandpa to live in the hospital for years. And neither did he, so they took him home. Then my family felt that they couldn't take care of him correctly. So, they decided to take him to a nursing home. Of course he hated it.
     But, the nurses were not doing there job right. My Aunt Jane is a nurse.  She reads the charts and scans and everything to make sure they're giving him the right medicine,  if they didn't tell us anything that were on those charts and printouts.  She had a new job, but she put that on hold, so she could take care of my grandpa. They took my grandpa back home, but at that time he was in hospice. For those who don't know what hospice is, its when nurse comes to your house and makes you comfortable until you die.  Yes, I know it’s not a happy thing.  So at that time I try to prepare myself for that.
    

My junior year was close to an end. My mom was like,” I’ll message you or pick you up from school if there any news on grandpa”. So, I was worried all day, because what if something does happen.  It was my last class in English three, Mrs. Covert's class and I was doing my work.  The speakers come on.  The lady said, “please send Jane to the front office. She is leaving.”.   At that moment I was freaked out and rushed the heck out there. I see my mom in the office.  I’m like, “Mom what happened?”  She said.” Your grandpa is refusing to take his medicines and breathing treatments. We rushed up there.
    

One night we were all sitting around my grandpa.  He was laying in his bed in the living room. My grandpa asked my grandma to come sit by him. She said “Yes Ken?”. He says,” Will you give me your heart?”.
My grandma said, “My actual heart?”.  
My grandpa said,”No! Give me your heart!”
I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.
    

Grandpa hadn't been eating right. So, he kept getting fat. When i went to see him this summer, I can see that his legs are super skinny. I can see his bones.  One night, before he went to bed, (because he gets tired easily) he kept groping the air and looking at me. My mom is like, “Jane, I think grandpa wants you to hold his hand.”  And I held his hand and my grandpa always had a tight grip. But at that time i thought it was awkward.  In reality it wasn't awkward. It was because i didn't want to see him in pain. I think it just made me hurt more.
      

My Mom, my sister and myself were planning to go on vacation to Salem. My grandpa always thought my mom deserved a break, because she works hard.  I felt that way too My mom was wondering if she should she just spend her vacation with her dad. But I pushed her to go.
    

A week before we go on vacation my Aunt asked me to watch her kids for a week while she went up there to take care of grandpa. She would be back at the end of the week so she can take my cousin to his swim meet. The morning she was back I got up at 7:00 am and i asked,”How's grandpa?”.   She tells me that she thinks he is at his rally(about to die) anytime now. I went to the swim meet. Everyone was asking my aunt, “Hows your dad?”.  “I think he is at his rally.”, “I think he is at his rally.”, “I think he is at his rally.”, “I think he is at his rally.”. On and on and on all day hearing it repeatedly. Think of that, being reminded, that person you care about is going to die any time soon.

I asked my mom to come pick me up. My mom picked me up.   On the way home I told her what happened. I started crying, saying “I don't want him to die.”. The truth is, no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself, there is no way to prepare yourself for that.
    

Our vacation is a sixteen to seventeen hour drive and on our way we're going to stop and see my grandpa. We went in and saw he was having a bad day.  So we stayed for an hour or two.  My mom talking to him, her mom and my aunt about our trip. My mom and us decided we should head on the road and we were saying good bye.  I sat by him, hugged him and said i loved him and hope he feels better.   My eyes were diverted. I regret that.  I should have just faced him. My mom had this great moment with him. His last words to her were, “I love you baby girl”.   That was the last we saw him.
    

We left. We were on vacation for a week.  The last day we started the day out great. It was my mom's birthday too. We found this new place to eat lunch. We were eating and having a good time. Then, we get a call from my Aunt Jane … My grandpa passed away 07/31/15. My mom told us. She was crying and we were like,” what happened?”. She said “grandpa just died five minutes ago.”.  My sister and I were holding my mom's hand. I just thought aloud, “Mom, Pierce needs to know before anyone else tells him or  he sees it on Facebook.”. She called him. We left the restaurant and distracted ourselves. The person, who was supposed to take care the body and all that, wasn't there.  So, my Aunt Jane had to do it. I'm thinking, I can't cry not right now.  I need to support my family.  I need to stay by my mom's side and lift her up. Give her a shoulder she can cry on. That same night we went to this amazing Mexican restaurant.   After we eat, we went back to the hotel. I called my boyfriend to vent.  That night he broke up with me.

The funeral wasn't decided yet.  My grandma was freaking out trying to get all these things done. I got back from Salem and I had to pack for another vacation with my dad.  We had to jump my brothers car to get it to run. I had to get my brother to packed because he hadn't packed yet. My dad lives in Louisville. Pierce and I got there at two am. I slept a little then woke up at four or five a.m. I got in my dad's car for another fifteen hour drive.  I slept most the way. So, I have been in a car for two days, my grandpa just died, boyfriend broke up with me and I'm in a confined space with lots of time to think.  So I’m thinking all these things.

I got to Alabama Gulf Shores at our condo. I called my mom everyday see how she doing. That is when i think i went silent.  I walked up and down the beach thinking.  After family activities and even at three am in the morning I walked on the beach, just thinking about what all was going down.

My grandpa wanted to be in ashes.  He didn’t want his body shown to his friends or family.  But no, my Aunt Jenny threw a fit.  They did it.  They had an open casket and showed him to his friends.   I said no.  I won't go.  I don’t want to.  I'm respecting my grandpa's wish.

 My mom tells me the funeral is on Tuesday. My brother drives us back home on Sunday.  Monday we drive up to Ohio and spend night at a hotel. Tuesday we go to the funeral. My sister gives us directions and of course we got lost. We were almost late. We got there just in time. THANK GOD!
       

Apparently my family was the only one wearing black. Everyone else was casual. Everyone was saying we were epic. We were just be respectful.  The funeral was a beautiful ceremony. Ten shots fired and a flag folded because my grandpa signed up for the Vietnam War. He was a Marine.
    

Then we went back to my grandma's house to drop off flowers.  On the way, once again, my sister gave directions.  We got lost again. Then, we went to my Aunt Andrea house.  The whole family was going there after the funeral. After a good three to four hours and after talking with family, we went home. I had just two days of summer left.

I started my senior year. The first week went great.  Then, we got a call from my Aunt Jane. My great grandpa, who lives with my grandma, has pancreatic cancer.  There is nothing they can do for him.  So, they are sending him to my grandmas house for hospice.  They say he has lost a lot of weight.  My mom and I are going up there this weekend. It starts all over again.