Father, you might not care what I have to say or what I feel, but just thought I would let you know. I haven’t really seen or heard from you since last year at Thanksgiving maybe. I don’t really remember, that’s how long it’s been since we laid eyes on each other. How do you feel? Sad? Lost? Empty? Or, do you not feel anything at all? To me, you’re heartless.

I bet you want to know why I feel that way, right? Well, it’s because you left me for more than half my life. You made me feel as if I were unimportant, more like incomplete. You never came looking for me. Never sent me any letters telling me where you were or checking up on me. No birthday cards or presents. I don’t even think you know when my birthday is.

All my life I waited, wanting to see if you would ever take responsibility for your actions. But, you didn’t. Maybe you thought doing drugs and drinking were more important than anything. I will forever be torn by your actions and will never be just a normal girl because of you. Yes, I grew up happy but, was it stable? No, not for the longest time. But didn’t I end up having a father figure? Yes, I did. I called him my dad, but that’s not the point of this letter. Right now, and the past few years. I haven’t had a father because he and my mom divorced. Just think, I won’t ever go to a father daughter dance. You’ll never be there for my first prom, help me with a heart break, brush my hair, take me on “road trips”, or sing with me in the car. You won’t be there when I graduate high school or walk me down the aisle when I get married, or be there for my first birth of a child.

You rather be killing yourself with all these drugs than be a father to me. Doesn’t that make you hurt? ALL of it. I can’t make you change, and that’s not what I’m trying to do be writing this letter. In fact, I don’t want you to. You wanted it like this, so it’s going to be like this.

It hurts me that this is how it has to be and has been for my whole life. I wasn’t looking for a dad that just jumps out whenever he feels and I’m not looking for that now. It does hurt and I’ll be honest. A part of me is wishing you would change and be my father. I wish that you wouldn’t have to rely on drugs to make things go away. Me? My siblings? We are here forever. We will be here when you die and we will still be there when we get to where you are when you die. How do you feel that you missed out on everything? And that you will continue to miss out. I feel like that’s what you deserve. You deserve nothing, to me. Seeing you or even hearing about you actually makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t imagine having someone like you as my father.

I kills me to know that I have to say all this to you. But, I need it to come out. I can’t hide how I feel anymore. I just stresses me out when I have other things going on. Do I talk about how I feel about you? No, I don’t ever talk about it. In fact I don’t even want to talk to you about it. It’s too much of a sore subject to me. I wouldn’t even talk about if I was forced to. I hate it. Just the fact that I’d have to talk about you kills. Would you talk about how you feel? If you felt the need.

Do you ever think about getting help? Like, actual help with your problems. Well, I should call them problems, but that’s the best way I can describe what I think is wrong with you. Maybe go to an actual rehab where you stay there for a long time until they know you are honestly better. I think that would be a good idea because you need help. You need to get better and over what you do. Drugs? Do you think those are going to help forever? I know that they won’t. You will get tired of one drug and then go on to a worse one and then keep on going. You are killing yourself. I don’t want that.

I don’t want you in my life but I don’t want you to die. I would like to help. I know you probably don’t want my help. Who else is going to help you? Honestly, your fiancé makes it worse. Grandma gave up on helping you out. She probably got tired of taking care of you all the time and getting you out of jail. She was there for everything. Yet you continued to do bad and you are still doing bad.

What happened to the good part of you? Being in the military, loving my mom, and just being a good person. Did you just decide one day that you were going to completely change your ways? Because that’s what it seems like. You just gave up on everything good thing you had. Every good thing you wanted. But, why? Why would you throw everything you had away for things so stupid? Did you think you could just get them back whenever you wanted, even though you knew you couldn’t? I just want to know why you did what you did to everyone that was important to you. It’s just hard for me to comprehend, I guess.

Like I said, you probably don’t care what I have to say or how I feel. I just thought I’d let you know. Just everything that you have and are going to miss out on. I truly hope that one day you grow up and realize you had some great kids and one person that loved you like no other. I hope you regret all the wrong you did because, there is no way of fixing it. I hope you find away. I hope you find yourself.