I. Hate. Canker. Sores.

If you have never gotten one and don’t know what they are, they’re pretty much small, shallow sores that open up in your mouth when you bite yourself, scratch yourself with your braces, or sometimes for no reason whatsoever. They look yellow or white with a red ring around them (yeah, gross). Not to be confused with cold sores, which happen on the outside of your mouth (like your lip), canker sores happen inside, on your tongue, cheek, etc. Also, cold sores are caused by viruses and canker sores are caused by bacteria. Canker sores are not contagious. Some people get them and some don’t; apparently, it has to do with genetics in many cases.

How do I know all this? I am a frequent canker sore sufferer. I learned all of this by googling canker sore remedies. For the record, 95% of them don’t work.

Seriously, canker sores HURT. They can be smaller than a dime and yet it is the worst kind of human suffering when you get one. Okay, I shouldn’t be saying that. I am a part of a privileged family in a privileged community and I have access to medical care and I am also fairly healthy to begin with. Most people in the world have it worse than me. But OHMYGOSH do canker sores hurt. Like, they really, really hurt. If you have never gotten one, you think I am over exaggerating. But all fellow canker sore sufferers can assure you that I am not.

You can’t eat or talk during its worst stages. I once had a huge one in the back of my mouth, near my molars, and whenever I bit down, it hurt, so I survived on liquids, jello, tofu, and applesauce for a few days. That’s probably worst case scenario, but point proven. Whenever you try to talk - OMGOWWWWWMYMOUTHWHATISTHISAHHHHHHPLEASEHELPME.

I hope I haven’t scared anybody. Honestly, if you have never gotten a canker sore you really don’t need to worry. You probably will never get one, and if you do, it’ll only happen once or twice. Just be grateful that you don’t get them often, like I do, because-

OWWW! I JUST SCRATCHED MYSELF ON A POTATO CHIP.

Wait. Oh no.

Here we go again.