Confessions of a Cult Member MAG

December 7, 2008
By Anonymous

My name is Karen, and I am a practicing member of Metairie's own Coffee Cult. My membership in this unknown yet undeniably unique cult began when I was just 16. Previously, I held a job at the local frozen yogurt place, but I applied to the coffee shop when the fro-yo joint was sold and became a sushi restaurant. Although I knew some of the workers at the coffee shop, I had no idea that I would soon be part of their selective Coffee Cult.

Within the first month, I discovered that these people were unnaturally close to each other. Even though this diverse group ranged in age from 15 to 40, they all found time (and by time I mean one to three days a week) to get together and blow their paychecks on dinner, movies, or some other form of entertainment, despite seeing each other every day at work. My first attendance at a secret cult meeting was in July at a local bowling alley. ­Although some members welcomed me, it was some time before I would officially be initiated.

In addition to their extraordinary gatherings, the Coffee Cult has also created some of the most original sayings I've ever heard. “Blatant disregard,” ­“irrelevant,” and “truth bomb” are just a few of the many mottos that almost every Coffee Cult member has uttered at some point. Learning to decipher their strange yet enjoyable language has been both a challenge and an important step in my Coffee Cult initiation. I began to use their odd expressions and once caught myself shouting at an oblivious driver, “BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THE STOP SIGN!” As soon as I started using these sayings in a non-work environment, I knew I could not be far from my long-awaited initiation.

One of the last steps before initiation was learning the orders, habits, and even the nicknames of the regular customers. One white-haired lady always orders a small café-au-lait with medium roast coffee and skim milk; once a day, an athletic middle-aged man dashes in for a large iced royale with “extra whip cream, no top.”

Along with the regulars' orders, I have also made note of the strange habits of our loyal patrons. For example, Mrs. Sylvia loves to inform the counter staff when the bathroom is out of toilet paper, while Mrs. Eloise always studies the menu for a lengthy five minutes, even though she eats here every day.

Finally, and most enjoyably, the Coffee Cult has created affectionate nicknames for its everyday customers. “Freeze with an Extra Shot of Espresso,” “Sketchy Medium Latte,” and “Creepy Dark Roast” are some of the magnificent pet names for the lovely faces we see each day. My skill for picking up on the meticulous habits and orders of regular customers, along with my ability to talk about them with cult members, was the final step that sealed my Coffee Cult membership.

Although there was no formal initiation process, the invitations to dinner with the cult, the lessons I've learned from both my co-workers and customers, and most importantly, the genuine friendships I've made at the coffee shop have been the most rewarding parts of my membership in the Coffee Cult.

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This article has 29 comments.

on Mar. 2 2015 at 11:28 am
Timothy Richards, Coolplace, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
M8, m8, m8... you don't understand just what a cult is... so hold on. We're gonna sit you down, and give you a stern lecture. First things first... if this is a cult, it either needs to have an extreme fondness for something or someone, or simply have a group of extreme religious values. Unless your "cult" is in love with coffee to the point they would kill over it, which I highly hope they don't, this isn't a cult. Phew, now that's that over with we can be friends again.

hippo said...
on May. 9 2014 at 4:15 pm
You arent in a cult sit down son!!

on Mar. 3 2014 at 7:12 pm
TheOceansBlackBird SILVER, Richmond, California
9 articles 14 photos 115 comments

Favorite Quote:
One persons craziness is another persons reality
-Tim Burton

and then there's this one

The title is sort of misleading... I thought it was going to be about your dark and mysterious past life as a cult memeber...not coffee. But still, the writing's very clear and it's a fun read. Great job.

on Nov. 27 2012 at 9:00 pm
theatregirl PLATINUM, Lathrup Village, Michigan
30 articles 12 photos 212 comments

Favorite Quote:
"To thine own self be true," -from Hamlet, a play by Shakespeare.
"I have sworn on the altar of god eternal hostility against all forms of tyranny over the mind of man." - Thomas Jefferson

medicore. It was okay, and it could've been better. It wasn't very descriptive and it felt like a quick creative writing story for a language art class not like a teen ink article. Over all, it could be better, but keep working on it.

on Aug. 23 2012 at 7:28 am
BlueCannons3030 GOLD, Alleman, Iowa
15 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pain. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
-C.S. Lewis

This is great! It made me laugh, even with the misleading title, this is a seriously well written piece and it's full of humor. Keep it up!  

on Jul. 13 2012 at 5:55 am
FULLSTOP GOLD, Skipton, North Yorkshire, Other
13 articles 7 photos 103 comments

Favorite Quote:
forever and ever and ever and ever will never be enough

your opinion, bro.

on Jul. 9 2012 at 4:08 pm
CelestaCuffrig GOLD, Loveland, Colorado
11 articles 1 photo 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Inspiration is only as enlightening as you are open to it."

First off, I love the light-hearted, yet colourful words you chose for this piece (: It's very good writing and it made me smile... My brother was a part of one of these 'cults' you wrote about and I know exactly what you mean about the special lingo used and the nick-names for customers! Check out my own writing, pretty please? (: And KEEP IT UP.

on Jul. 7 2012 at 3:02 pm
LongLazyDays55 BRONZE, Other, Other
3 articles 0 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
I haven't failed. I just haven't found 10,000 ways that won't work. [Thomas Edison]

When words fail, music speaks.

I wondered what this was about. I really like your work. Well done! Congrats on getting published in the magazine! Keep writing! :)

on Jul. 4 2012 at 11:10 am
Immortal.Lights BRONZE, Deltona, Florida
1 article 1 photo 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Being an author is like being in charge of your own personal insane asylum."

I admit, I was rather mislead by the title. However, I found no disappoint when I began reading the article and found the contents to be quite different from what I expected. This was very well-written and a great blend of funny and sweet with a dash of dark humor.

on Jul. 1 2012 at 5:16 am
Songs_Along GOLD, Abcd, Other
16 articles 0 photos 66 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes we are only given a few minutes to be with the one we love and a thousand hours to spend just thinking about them."

it was really good-concise and to-the point....actually ur title Confessions of a CULT member attracted me very strongly...nice trick and very cleverly phrased.... :)

Kelley Davis said...
on Jun. 28 2012 at 3:20 pm
Kelley Davis, Metairie, Louisiana
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Thanks so much everybody! Didn't mean to offend or mislead anyone, I actually wrote this article about 3 or so years ago when I was still in high school and we literally used to joke and call ourselves a "cult" at work and when we hung out. It is a bit dark, I will admit, but that's just good old New Orleans humor for ya!

on Jun. 27 2012 at 4:47 pm
originalityisdeadd, Upton, Massachusetts
0 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A bird does not lay awake at night and wonder if it is a good bird; A bird just flies."

i love this very much .very well-written, and, against popular opinion, i love the usage of the word cult. very clever.

on Jun. 26 2012 at 6:55 pm
austenite77 GOLD, Appleton, Wisconsin
13 articles 0 photos 58 comments

Favorite Quote:
Die my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do

I'm not offended by the title, but I don't think it was a great title. You story was nice and sweet, but the word cult brings dark ideas to everyone's mind. 

on Jun. 26 2012 at 6:55 pm
austenite77 GOLD, Appleton, Wisconsin
13 articles 0 photos 58 comments

Favorite Quote:
Die my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do

I'm not offended by the title, but I don't think it was a great title. You story was nice and sweet, but the word cult brings dark ideas to everyone's mind. 

on Jun. 25 2012 at 8:56 pm
Caleb.Andrews, London, Other
0 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
Multi vad, putini pricep.

I don't think it's that people are offended; it's just that some teens have gone through rough times with bad friends and gang relationships, so they feel almost defensive about the use of what in their minds is a very strong word. I doubt anyone is really offended per se, just maybe taken aback.

on Jun. 24 2012 at 8:23 pm
silverwolf63 BRONZE, Dunnville, Other
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Galations 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

I love the comparison to a cult its refreshingly funny. Anybody offended should chill out.

on Jun. 24 2012 at 12:21 am
AlaskaFrost GOLD, Acushnet, Massachusetts
17 articles 7 photos 131 comments
I actually love how you use the word "cult" - it draws the readers in and it's also kind of cute the way you use it. This is a nice piece and very well-written! :)

on Jun. 21 2012 at 1:06 pm
SpringRayyn PLATINUM, Lakeville, Minnesota
34 articles 2 photos 658 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't punish yourself," she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness too. That was writing."
--Markus Zusak, "The Book Thief"

I agree with Alyssa.N.S, I thought this article would be about and actual cult. Although it did draw me in, I was disappointed to find that the article wasn't about what I thought it would be about. It is an enjoyable read, and my only suggestion is change the title.

on Jun. 21 2012 at 7:29 am
Alyssa.N.S. BRONZE, Toledo, Ohio
4 articles 0 photos 12 comments
It's a good article, but the word "cult" gives it the wrong connotation from the beginning.

on Jun. 19 2012 at 8:59 pm
Caleb.Andrews, London, Other
0 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
Multi vad, putini pricep.

Cult member? Symbolism is one of my favorite tools to use when writing, but there are boundaries. "Cult" is a strong word, especially to some teens.


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