I had been out there for quite a while. Digging and digging, but suddenly I stood up straight because my motivation was wiped from my memory. I could not remember why I had just spent hours of my life digging a large hole in my backyard. I struggled to climb onto regular land, then I retraced my steps hoping to remind myself. I went in the kitchen, my room, the bathroom, my closet, talked to my family, hoping to find something, anything that would spark my memory. It all failed. My family said they were unaware I was digging, let alone why. After a while, I took a break from investigating. I picked up my phone and scrolled through twitter and instagram, replied to some messages and snapchats, fed my Sims, then started scrolling through my photos. Photo 1355 in my camera roll appeared. It was me... and him. Suddenly I knew why I had spent so many hours digging. I dug a deep, empty, meaningless hole hidden in my backyard because that's how I felt without him. Deep, like falling forever through this hole, empty, meaningless, and hiding from the world because I was not worthy to be seen because he was the best part of me.
October 21, 2013