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Letter of Transformation

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Dear Self,

I remember feeling crushed by life, trapped in a world where negatives overpower the positives, even though the positives outnumber the negatives. I felt like giving up. All hope turned to dust, blown away by the evils of life. With no one trustworthy enough to turn to, I felt abandoned, betrayed, confused, like a lone feather floating in the air, not knowing where it will land next. My life took the form of my room: messy, disorganized, and overcrowded. I tried to clean up my life, but I couldn't figure out where to start. I felt deserted with no clue of which path to take. School became a burden, a boy caused trouble, and friends turned on me, leaving me with no way off this uncharted island of despair.


What is failure? Not getting what I want? Not being perfect? For years I've had straight A's. Getting anything lower stuck out more than I thought it would, like a weed amidst a myriad of flowers. It will forever haunt me like a dark shadow. My failures seem like accomplishments to most people, and they tell me I don't know how to count my blessings. Apparently, I overreact when it comes to school. So it doesn't seem like much, but it is a big deal to me. I no longer felt as intelligent as I once did. I tried so hard, but it never seemed enough, I always came up short. Maybe I expected too much, making goals too high for my reach. I went for the apples at the top of the tree when I should've reached for the middle, still giving me a challenge but not impossible to accomplish. Nobody's perfect. Perfection occurs while succeeding. Success happens when I reach my goals. My failures would actually seem like accomplishments to most people. I must not expect too much from myself, otherwise I will always end up disappointed. As a human, mistakes are part of my nature. Not everything will be able to be done, but trying is all that matters.


What is love? As a teenager, I like searching for "the one," and when I find someone I'm interested in, I believe right away I have found him. I never thought my guy to be like all the others. I wanted to believe he was different. He promised he'd never leave me, that he'd never hurt me. Upon first meeting him, I became filled with vibes of unknown, unfamiliar feelings. My heart became overjoyed knowing he felt the same. Our feelings remained mutual for a year, and I truly believed I found "the one." He seemed perfect: always complimenting me, talking with me when I needed a friend, and made me actually feel beautiful. He never failed to paint a smile on my face, but after breaking my heart, the only art on my face included graffiti of a frown and tears upon my cheeks. He told me he found someone better, a girl far beyond my allure, but well behind my intellect. I guess you could say he preferred beauty over brains. I felt crushed, as if I was someone who didn't matter. Not even my friends could break my sorrow. I felt like they'd never understand how much it hurt. Yet I learned heartbreak is unavoidable, and it is perfectly normal to be hurt after a break-up, otherwise there was never any real connection. Love is finding someone compatible, someone trustworthy and loyal. Love does not come in an instant, I need patience. Also, love is like quicksand, easy to fall into, but difficult to escape from. It will take more than one person to help you out, and that's what friends are for. The fact that the girl he left me for was actually one of my friends killed me inside. She betrayed me, and pushed me back into the quicksand. She stole my love, my life, and he went along for the ride, my shadow fading the farther they go. I know now, though, I do not need a boyfriend to know I am beautiful. Beauty takes a different form in everybody, I just have to find it.


What is friendship? Surely betrayal does not appear in its definition. To hear that my guy liked my friend was hard enough, but hearing that she felt the same killed me inside. Out of any guy in the whole world, she had to pick mine to love. While talking with her, it seemed like she even wanted me out of the picture, as if saying, "Get over it, he likes me now." Sadly, I lost her as a friend that day. Though she is not my only friend. I gladly have more, who support me, and help me through tough times. Their words of comfort never fail to wrap me in a blanket of security, making me lucky to have friends like these, someone I can always go to. They are trustworthy, supportive, and loyal. They hadn't experienced what I went through, but they know me well enough to know how I hurt and how to cheer me up.


Negativity. Low self esteem. Uncertainty. Doubt. All these puzzle pieces made up the old self. Though I feel something has changed within me. I feel like a new person, a stronger person. The true meaning of life revealed itself to me. I must be positively happy. I have heard I am beautiful, I know I'm unique. I am more intelligent than I look, but my looks do not speak all. Even though I do not speak a lot, the little I do say means a lot. I work diligently and tirelessly to get what I want, even if it seems impossible. Making mistakes became a part of me that makes me strong. I learned that loyalty and trust build up eternal relationships. My broken heart does not result in a broken mind. The other half of my heart is still out there, waiting to be found, but I have bigger dreams to focus on. True friends support me in my troubles, and do not make the problem worse. Confidence can always crush fear. Failure does not mean weakness, but giving up after failure does. I no longer feel ashamed of the past, but use it as an example to plan my future. Tears will not make my life better. I take every opportunity I can to smile. :) And I let the brightness of my smile and my heart lead the way. I fear you not failure, and beware, I am a fighter.

Sincerely,
Failure's Conquerer :)




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