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What is forbidden

Why do we chase after what we know we can never have? And why do we still feel a want and need for someone even after they have broke our heart or put us in their “friend zone”? It isn’t fair sometimes… And yet this happens to so many teenagers in their life. So many girls and guys are put into the middle of drama. Whether it’s drama from rumors, friends, enemies, bullies, or even their crush, it sucks. I would know, I’ve had a very rough week. In one day (actually less than 30 minutes) I went from angry with life (to where I could have broken my knuckles and wouldn’t have cared) to actually happy and okay with life, to extremely humiliated and completely broken. Confused yet? Here let me explain…

It all started with a rumor a very trusted and close friend of mine started. This rumor was so major and bad that even the police got involved. Then once I got home I texted my best friend who moved to Utah. Yeah we flirt a lot, which we did once we started texting. He always makes me feel calm and happy when I’m feeling down or upset. And I literally mean: ALWAYS… So we flirted and he made me feel happy and content with life. Even with all of the stuff I was going through. See this friend of mine I’ve liked for 4 years, and he’s been leading me on that maybe one day we’d be more than friends for 6 months now. And yet all of that hope, contentment and happiness was ruined when my best friend, finally told me he has a girl friend that he’s been dating for… SIX MONTHS….. Yep that broke my heart. I mean yeah, I still love him and all but really??? He leads me on, giving me hope and all this time he’s had a girl friend?!?!

I had never felt to betrayed, hurt, humiliated, empty and broken in my whole life. And that means something with all of the stuff I’ve been through since I was a little girl. So I cried... I felt as if my stomach was shrinking and my heart was crumbling into a pit of black and emptiness. I tried to stay strong and keep the tears that threatened to escape in, but attempt failed. I ran into my room upstairs, closing my door softly and covering my mouth to drown out the sounds of oncoming sobs. I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. My heart was breaking with every breath I took. Why do I have to go through this? I’ve NEVER cried this hard over a single person my whole life! This hurt… really bad.
After closing my door I stumbled into my bathroom, grabbing the red teddy bear my mother gave me when I was 8 as a fair well gift as the law separated us for the rest of my young life until I am an adult. I went into the farthest corner in my bathroom and slid down the wall. I clutched the bear to me, hoping it’d make this pain go away. But it didn’t. I even pulled my knees up to my chest as hard as I could to help the pain but it didn’t help either. My sobs got louder and louder, so finally I put a towel on my knees and buried my face in it to muffle out the heart breaking sobs as my soul fell into oblivion.

After a long amount of crying on the floor, I finally got up. Barely able to see or walk without falling, I walked (zombie-like) to my bed which is pushed into a corn in my room. I crawled into bed and went for the corner, sitting like I did in the bathroom but with my blanket over my bare legs. Usually I would have resorted to cutting myself to escape this pain I’m experiencing. But I knew it wouldn’t help. Nothing could. So I cried and cried until finally I had to go to sleep and face another day of school. Being reminded that the guy I need isn’t there but instead states away with his girlfriend. So I finally laid down and fell asleep crying, staining my pillow with the black mascara I had running down my face.

This had honestly been the worst experience in my life so far. I never thought in a million years, I’d cry that much and hard over a guy, especially a friend. And yet many teenagers go through things like this in their life. I just don’t understand why we want and need what is forbidden to us? And why we crave for something we know that we never have a chance of having?




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