I Wonder

October 28, 2012
lay here in my bed, the candle flickering into the darkness of my room on this particular cool fall night. I catch myself thinking about you. All the memories we once shared. I wonder if you still think about me as much as you used too, back when we were just two best friends. I wonder if when I'm walking down the crowded hallway at school, if you still see me and go "Wow". I wonder is there are days you just want to hug and me and ask whats wrong when you can look in my eyes and tell something is going on. I wonder if you still think about that June night where we hollered at one another, and I begged and yelled at you to fight for me, but you didn't. Instead you asked me if I was really doing this. I had no other choice, how'd you expect me to act when you said those things. I wish I could've seen the fire in your eyes when I yelled and told you to fight for me or I was gone. The fact that we had been friends for six years, but I had never yelled at you angrily till now, had to stun you. Never once, not even this night, did you ever raise your voice at me. You stayed calm and tried to keep me that way, you failed at your attempt. At this moment in time, not even you could keep me calm. I just remember hysterically crying and yelling at you, I repeated the same thing over and over. You always told me that'd you do whatever it took to keep your friendship with me, even if you completely murdered it. You did, you killed our long friendship and personally buried it in the ground with your wicked words. All I wanted you to do was argue with me, say something to make me realize you could change, you knew exactly what to do, you knew me like the back of your hand. The whole time you knew exactly what to do, but for some reason you chose no to do it. Anything would have been better than how you reacted. I don't remember a whole lot about that night, I just remember the last thing I said to you "If you want me, fight for me. If you want this friendship back and me, give faith a fighting chance." You became silent, then I said "Obviously you don't care anymore, don't ever worry about talking to me again. I'm done, goodbye." All you had to say was goodbye, so I hung up. I wonder if this argument would have ended different if it were to take place in person. Would you have showed me how much you cared? Would you have raised your voice and proved everything? Would you have argued more and made things better? When you saw me cry, and heard the words raging from my mouth, would you have tried to hug me and calm me down, or would you have walked away? So many questions I want answer, but my wondering questions can't be answered. So for now all I can do is wonder and try to believe I'm living my life without you.

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