YOU'RE GONE, NOW WHAT DO I DO?

It was just one of those mornings were I was happy to see you. I was getting ready to go to you and say " Good Morning", everytime I knew I would be able to say that to you it just was the best feeling in the whole world. I could never live without you, I remeber you being there with me through it all. I remeber you saying " I love you and dont you ever forget that", I still remeber it all. Even that last day that I ever saw you, I remeber looking at you and wishing you were okay, that you wouldn't be leaving me. Although you knew that you would always be in my heart and I would always think of you, I didnt want you to go. I wanted you to be with me through out my whole life, when I graduate from school, when I get married, and ofcource have the life you always wanted me too.

The day they told me you were diagnosed with stomach cancer, all I could think was NO! They told us you would only live for 2 more months, they were wrong. You lived for 2 more years, and you kept on fighting. Till one day you couldn't take it no more. You told us " I want to go home and rest, and die there if that is what God wants." So therefore we obeyed you and did everything we could to take you home. We cared for you, we gave you all your medicine, and stayed there with you every night. I remeber that it was a Thursday and I had to go to school, so I went to school. I just wanted the day to be over, and for me to go home just relax from all the problems I was facing. I remember passing by my mom's office, she was leaving I looked at the time and she was an hour early. She saw me and ran up to me and said " He wants to see you, right now.... go." So I then went to your house, you were there I grabbed your hand tightly and just looked at you. I knew it was time, I prayed to God, I just told him not to take you away from me..... not now. Not when I needed you the most, I just loooked at you and just kept on praying and praying.

I stayed to sleepover that day, I went over to you and said " Goodnight, see you in the morning" I went to sleep, I remeber waking up in the middle of night because I had a horrible dream. I went to the bathroom, and on my way back, I noticed everybody was surronding you. I wanted to see what was happening, but my uncle told me " What are you doing?, go back to sleep." I thought in my head " Oh they must be changing him." And so I went to sleep, and I woke up in the morning seeing my mom standing next to me. She just looked at me, and said " He passed away." I was in shock, all I could think of doing was crying. She just told me it was for his own good, he was suffering to much. All I did was answer her and got changed to go home, you always told me I was the strongest one of the family. And I made a promise that I would always be the strongest, therefore not one tear could come out of my eye infront of my family. I just kept it all inside, and soon I found out that was not very good.

Since that day, December 1, 2011, everything changed. My mom, and grandma isolated themselves from me, all they did was cry. And not one god damn time did they ask me " How are you doing?" Never did they ask me, and what they didnt know is that I was in more pain then how they were. Nobody was there for me, I had nobody to talk to. And so that is when I started failing school, behaving bad, and doing stuff I shouldn't have done. I regret every second of it, and yes I am ashamed, but I was so miserable, so depressed. I just wasn't thinking properly, after awhile I finally realized what I did was wrong. It was to late I had already been punished, and I accepted my punishment completly. For 9 months I have had no cell phone, no freedom, and practicly no life. It was and still is the worst 9 months of my life. I still am going through with my punishment, and everyday I say to myself " How could I be so stupid?, How could I let it get so bad?." But no matter what I keep on living everyday the way you would want me too.

I think of you everyday, I miss you everyday, I pray that this is just a realistic dream. But then everyday when I wake up I know its true, and sadly I just have to accept it. And I will, eventually, but either way I will always remeber you. Some people might not understand, but I know you are watching over me saying " I understand, don't worry everything will get better." And I am starting to believe that it is getting better. I have been gaining the trust back from my mom, I just started high school, and I am doing my best to get good grades. But I am not doign it for my mom, not even me, I am doing it for you. Only you, because I know that is all you ever wanted from me, for me to have a good eduacation. And trust me I will, I will do it for you, and when I achieve my goal. I will look up into the sky and say " Look I did it, I did it for you." And I am confident that you will be smiling down on me, being happy for me.

I LOVE YOU GRANDPA, AND MISS YOU A LOT ! I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU ! LOVE YOU !





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