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Speechlessness

By , Taipei, Taiwan
All I want to do is talk to you. All I want to do is say something just so to prove to myself I can. But I don't think that it'll ever be that easy. I may be taking this too serious, but there's this barrier. I can't even explain what it is. A unfathomable sensation that prevents my lips from uttering a single syllable. It scares me. It scares me that you have that kind of power over me.

It just shows how much of a coward I am. That fact that I can't even do the simplest gesture of friendship. I don't know why I feel this way. I don't even recall you being that good of a friend.

No. That was lie. I can remember all those times we hung out. I don't remember what we discussed, REALLY, but I just remember being with you was one of the most relaxing moments of my high school life. I don't know why you make me feel this way.

...If only...I could hear what you think of the whole matter. I told you something so incredibly personal, and yet you respond in the worse possible reaction I could've imagined. And now, it'll almost be a year since we've last spoken as real friends. I initiate chats now and then, on the pretences of asking you questions about homework, but I actually just want to talk to you. Is it that sad? Am I pathetic? Am I desperate to know what you think of me now? What is going on in that head of yours, Ann? You never seem to show weakness, or fear. You're always that quirky, cute, little dancer chick, who everyone falls in love with eventually due to your pleasant demeanor. I wish I had it that easy. I really do. I envy you, but, I pity you as well. No one will take you seriously at first. If only...But I don't think it's over going to happen. It never ever will, will it? I can hope and dream about it all I want. But one day, you'll have to come to terms with it yourself too. Give yourself a sense of closure. You owe it to me. Hell, you owe it to yourself.

I'll be waiting patiently. Here, when you come up to me face-to-face, or even in a measly email, a sincere apology/confession of what really happened. Why you refused to talk to me ever. My sister says you were looking for an excuse to end our friendship. If that's true, that I might as well cry a river. It's hurtful. It's terrible. I valued you so much as a person, as someone I trusted. Now, I can't even make a friend without doubting their loyalty and love.





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