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I had to choose what was best for both of us. We constantly were arguing, constantly fighting about something. You seemed different. You were changing. You were becoming a person you would regret; the person I had only heard about but never met. You were becoming the person I hoped you would never, ever be. You were becoming your father.
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That night, you were so angry. I had never seen you so angry.

"You look like you could hit something..." I said, hoping you would calm.

You didn't.

"I could!" You cried and began to ramble on about my family and friends all hating you and wanting us apart, how we argue all the time, and how you never get to see me.

"We're engaged!" You cried again, "and it feels like we are high-schoolers, waiting to go to the movies on weekends!" I was barely 18; you were 21. We were almost high-schoolers. We were children, young and in love. Perhaps too young.

You wouldn't let touch you. You wouldn't calm down. You scared me for the first time... and the last time.
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We were both miserable, yet you seemed so determined to make me see that I could make you happy. You were determined to keep me with anger, with your depression, with your promises. You were becoming that person I had hoped you would never become. The one I had heard of but never met. Your father. You were turning into him and I loved you (and still love you) too much to watch your changing. Perhaps this is a selfish thing, but I'm human and am bound to be selfish now and then. But this was best for both of us.

You might be angry now. You might be hurting and lonely. You may even think I hate you or do not love you anymore (I will never hate you; I love you). But I pray one day you'll understand my reason for abandoning you. I also pray that the next time we meet, you will be a happier, healthier person. I pray you will be you once again. Not your father. Not what your anger and pain says you should be.

I love you, my dearest, sweet James. And I'm sorry. Forgive me if you can one day. I forgave you so long ago. I'll miss you.


- Niylalee



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