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Disappointment

I live my life making up for my mistakes. I live as a disappointment. The monster in the basement who is shown only to those who dare to climb down the dark twisted steps. I'm a bad influence to those who glance. My music interest is "Vulgar, inappropriate, and crude" according to my family. I wear merchandise to represent my interest in this vulgar music genre, so I get those death stares when walking into any building of higher class men and women. There are some who agree with me. But they don't like me because of my appearance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hideous, average height, brown hair, brown eyes, but the thing I'm judged upon is my race. I've received comments such as "Whites don't listen to rap." but I'm white, and I live, breathe, and love rap music.

Another disappointment in my existence is with help from my loving sister my whole christian family now knows that I'm atheist. "I'm just trying to help fix you" she would say. "The devil has a hold of you, and you need to tell him to let you go" my sobbing aunt stated. "It's that music you listen to. It's a bad influence" my prejudice grandfather lectured. My atheism is not because of my music interests, or because of the devil because frankly I don't believe in him either. It's because of my background. My life.

I make up for being a disappointment by being the poster child for respect, obedience and independence. While my mom is away at work on night shift I clean the whole house. Once a week, every week. I babysit almost everyday. I sometimes get a Saturday off, but it's rare. I do the small things, the huge things and everything in between. I never get rewarded because I'm such a mistake that it's expected that I make up for it. I'm treated like a dog. If I ask for a reward I must first learn to do some fantastic impossible trick. Then I get my treat of maybe a day of babysitting.

We live in a low class, almost homeless and all money is spent on my brother and sisters. I don't ask for anything. I get an occasional t-shirt from Walmart. The monster doesn't get respect and treats. But I'm okay with it. It has pushed me to become stronger and know how to work really hard for what I want.

I do however respect my family to a great degree. My mother works her ass off almost every night to keep food in the pantry and a roof over our heads. My grandparents although disrespectful at times are always there for us when we need them. My older sister, although untrustworthy has helped with encouraging my grandparents to forgive me for my atheism. My younger brother and sister although they get everything they want and take up all my time, never fail to put a smile on my face or try to make things easier.

So I guess the point of this short article is everyone faces struggles, judgement at some point in there life. You'll get through it. I am. Also I don't care how your elders treat you, if they disrespect you or even if they beat you. You treat them with respect. They have gone through a lot too. They make mistakes, they pull their hair out trying to provide for you. I know it may not show but they do love you. You have people that care. All I'm saying is get through it. Whatever it is, money problems, relationship problems, whatever. Get through it. It will be so worth it in the end. Keep that beautiful smile of yours shining. And keep that chin up. Tears will show themselves occasionally but if you smile through the mistakes, laugh through the pain and forget about the past, I guarantee, you, yeah YOU have a very bright future.



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This article has 7 comments. Post your own now!

Bloodprints said...
Jul. 29, 2012 at 1:12 pm
reaally really good (: it's touching but at the same time it's completely honest and real which makes it even better. keep writing ;)
 
JessixMathers replied...
Jul. 31, 2012 at 6:33 am
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
 
pensive said...
Jul. 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm
This is very nice. I like how you tied it all together with an inspiring message at the end.
 
JessixMathers replied...
Jul. 28, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Thank you so much!
 
writerauterThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm
thankyou. this was very honest and straight foward. you are a inspiration to me. i love rap and i dont trust adults. i loved your messege to respect adults no matter what they do, but i...dont know how to forgive or respect my dad because i want to. i have only obeyed him because i am scared of him. i dont know how. can you help me understand that?
 
JessixMathers replied...
Jul. 28, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Thanks for your feedback! And about your father, if your heart really wanted to trust him and respect him then you would be a little fearful of him. Whatever he did to lose your trust or respect obviously effected you, so you're scared. You need to trust yourself first with the decisions you're making. You have to learn that before you can face this fear of your father, you must first face yourself.
 
writerauterThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 28, 2012 at 10:11 pm
thanku for the help. i will try and work on that.
 
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