My life has never been perfect. It's not like I always wanted it to be or I wanted to be a different person, I just have never felt normal. The things that I think and the things that I do aren't right, but when I do them forr a while I feel okay, but after that feeling goes away I feel hatred towards myself. This isn't a story with a happy ending, because story's like that are never true. Don't get me wrong I wish they were, but life isn't that way. I have always known that something isn't right with me, that I am different than anyone else, which some people think is a great thing, part of me likes being different, but another part of me wants to scream. I can be in a room full of people, but still think to myself I'm alone. I have always liked being alone by myself, even when I was little. Yet when I am alone I get those thoughts and feelings that I shouldn't have which is just hatred towards myself. Because of those feelings I cut myself. When I do it I feel fine I am relieved, but afterwards I feel ashamed and guilty, but I still keep doing it. I will always be a cutter. I think that everything in my past has just led me up to everything happening in the present. It has made me the person I am today, but I'm am also responsible for who I am today. I don't think I will ever be okay, whatever okay is these days. Whether I want to get help or I am forrced to it wont work, it didn't work when my mother tried to get me help beforre, so I know it wont help me at all. Maybe forr other people, but not me. I will always be different, I will always think these thoughts, and I will always be a cutter that is who I am and I have to live with it.
I will be okay.
June 27, 2012