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The Little Black Hole
Imagine a black hole. Now place that black hole into your stomach. You may wonder what is that black doing inside your stomach. When you grow older the things you enjoyed so much as a child simple stop giving enjoyment. Many of us believe that’s maturing it’s a normally part of life things you do as a child must stop because it’s childish. But know one every wonders why that happens. It’s the black hole. The black hole feeds on happiness. So the black consumes those childish activates which brought much happiness to your life and changes those activates as childish. Well that’s all perfectly fine we all need to grow up. But that black for the unlucky few isn’t satisfied after a few. It wants to consume every single activity which brings joy into your life. After those things are consumed they can’t be retrieved.
There gone forever.
No matter what you try those activates just seem immature, a waste of time, and boring. No matter how much you loved doing something, if this black hole can’t ever be satisfied it will consume it. Now what do you do when everything in your life you enjoyed in your life is going. Well I have 2 choices for you get help by seeking therapy. The next choice is well you might not like this.
Yes death. Why death? Isn’t there a third choice maybe. Well there isn’t. Death is the second choice because a life with nothing to enjoy is a life not worth living. You may wonder how I know this. We’ll I was with war with that black hole for a long time. If I remember correctly the first signs of that black hole was around 4th grade. Yup when I was around 10 years old that black was appearing. What things did that hole take away? Well that hole didn’t take anything away. If that hole could take everything away so quickly suicide rates would sky rocket. That black hole can’t just rip away happiness from you. You cling to that happiness with your life. The hole knows that. But it also knows if it makes you sad your grip to that happiness slips and it’s able to take the happiness slow. You may wonder how does that hole make you sad.
Well I remember that day pretty clear for being around 7 years old. It’s normal day. Wake up 7, go to the bathroom. Get dressed and go to school. Then at night at home I was in my room. I was grounded that week and couldn’t watch TV. So I was imagining things. And well that hole saw a prefect opportunity to slip in some sadness.
A random voice sad,” Hey fatass.”
“Hey I’m not really fat”, I said.
“Go look in a mirror then try to say that again”, it said.
“Why you are saying these things,” I said.
“You have no friends”, he said.
“Yah I do I have tons”, I responded. The hole didn’t say anything back. It was me alone with those thoughts he put in my head. And well when your 10 years old you don’t know what to do with those thoughts you don’t want to face those thoughts because you aren’t mentally prepared yet. The hole knows that. All you can do are put those thoughts in a bottle and through it done in the back of your thoughts. Well that’s unsuccessful you probably felt sad a few minutes and moved on. Well the problem is you put those thoughts in a bottle. You aren’t comforting them. You avoid them. We heard this all your life, YOU CAN’T RAN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS. If I realized that early I may have been able to put a cork in that hole. But I didn’t.
Events with that hole occurred once in a while. He reassured some thoughts added new ones and left. I just did the norm stuff those thought in the bottle and didn’t touch it. Well that bottle is made out of very fragile glass. It’s not plastic so it can expand a little. Its glass, a small glass bottle.
I’m pretty sure you can guess what’s going to happen. Yup the bottle broke. It broke freshman year. Well the glass shards were still able to put together again. And to make it hold in place I used glue. This glue was Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. This glue was amazing. But the problem is I have to do other things then sit in front of a television all day. Well luckily the glue mostly stayed there. There was a just a small hole leaking depressing thoughts very slowly. I was fine with that. I confronted those thoughts one after another. Life was looking good. I thought that bottle will one day not be needed that I can prove all those thoughts wrong. Well that hole still had one more thought up his selves.
“Hey Michal”, it said. But something was strange with his tone. He sounded confident.
“What the f*** do you want? I’m tried with your s***.” I responded. I was worried.
“Well you now the routine by now I say something then leave and you put into a bottle. “
“Yah I know so....”
“You’re all alone in this life.”
I stood in my shower for an half an hour silent.
“Michal, what the hell are you doing in there! I need to use the bathroom,” My sister yelled.
I walked to my room. It took forever. Why are you so stunned by that comment? Well that comment was a bullet. It shot right trough the bottle. I was trying to put the bottle back not trying to think because all hell will break loose if I did. The bottle couldn’t be fixed. It was a pile of dust that simply blew away. Then I thought lets watch some TV.
“What’s the point?” It was that annoying voice again.
“Same thing what’s the point.”
“How about a bike ride.” I desperately said.
“How about no.”
“How about… “
“You know the answer stop trying.” He said.
He was right. My world was falling apart. After 6 years of a war with sadness the hole consumed every single once of happiness. Nothing was left just a horrible feeling in my stomach. This pain was worst thing I felt in my life. Nothing compared to this. The reason was it NEVER went away. It was about 2 o clock when my world fell apart. I couldn’t do anything but just stare at my ceiling try to settle these thoughts. You may wonder why did that comment about loneliness do that. The reason was he was right. I was alone. I was drifting away from my friends because of my video game addiction. Every girl I asked out rejected me. There was no way to rationalize that thought was wrong. Remember early how I said when that hole took everything away your left with 2 options. I was there.
Death or seek help.
Maybe in your shoes the obvious choice was seeking help. While seeking help is hope. Hope is considered something everyone has. You can hope for anything. But in my shoes you can’t hope. You knew hoping was worthless. How desperately I wanted hope. Something to guide me through the tunnel of darkness I was in. There wasn’t any light just darkness. No walls to help guide you. Just an infinite amount of darkness. No matter how much you searched it was the same. I wanted hope so much. Well lucky was on my side. The thought of death appeared. It was the hole who recommended it. Lucky fear was on my side and it helped me dismiss that thought. Then coincidentally a commercial for a medication to combat depression played. My fear took that and made it into hope. Finally my darkness turned into a tunnel with a light at the end. But there were 2 paths. Wait what 2 paths. There should be only one. That’s probably what’s going in your head. The 2 paths were to tell my parents I’m depressed then get help or wait in till I’m 18 and receive help by myself without them knowing. 2 years of fighting that hole. I choose wait in till I’m 18. You may be angry. Why choose that path. 2 years of what seems like hell. Well here are my reasons. 1. My parents only really speak English so if I try to tell them it would be extremely hard because my polish is very bad. 2. My parents are old fashioned they’ll believe I just can’t handle a small problem. Why would I be depressed? I’m 16 years old. What in my life can bring in depression? 3. I have a mindset of it’s my problem I don’t need to drag others into it. That was my main reason.
Well this may be good to hear. The path I chose didn’t stay long. On thanksgiving break the pain in my stomach increased. It went to the point of I couldn’t eat anything. I lost 6 pounds in 4 days. I knew I needed to get help right there and then. I remember the day I told my parents. I was right about number 2. My parents overreacted. After days of persuading my parents that I have depression I got help from a therapist. I am currently on antidepressants. After first my hopes where a little down because it didn’t work as I wanted to do it. But everyday my hope increases activate which I loved to do are coming back slow. The once completely dark tunnel is now becoming brighter and brighter.