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And You Thought Things Were Complicated...

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The words haunt my head over and over again constantly, nagging, edging and making me feel even worse than the first time they were said. “What you did to him…”
The thing is, I didn’t do it. For whatever reason, everyone in his grade seems to know. People I’ve never even seen before come up to me. They call me “Sair”, which was the stupid nickname he just had to call me. They tease, they say that I was the one who “did something to him” yet I don’t have the first clue what they’re talking about. I think people have told and retold and changed the story. At least, that’s the only way I can think of why people think I’m the bad person here. Confused? Well, this is what ACTUALLY happened.
We rode the same bus. We talked sometimes. I liked him. At a dance last year, one of my friends said something about that to him. I don’t know what. Not even now. Summer came and went. I was dating someone else. He was trying to get my attention. I ignored him. I stopped liking him. We didn’t talk much. Months go by. My boyfriend and I broke up. I stopped ignoring him. We started talking again. I started liking him again. I tried to tell him the truth about some things I lied about before. I couldn’t do it. I wrote a letter to him about them instead. I gave it to him. He went around telling everyone it was a love letter. He let others read it. People thought I loved him. Everyone gave me crap about it. That’s not what the letter said though. Not in the slightest. A dance was coming up. He stopped giving me crap and asked if I wanted to go with him. I said no. I thought it was a trick. He asked again. I said no. He asked another time and I still said no, although I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. He started asking me out, if I liked him, who I liked, who I was going to the dance to, if I changed my mind on going with him and more similar questions every single time I saw him.
My dad and stepmom were getting divorced. We moved. One of the last days on that bus he asked me out for what would be the final time(for now) and when I said no he threw a little fit. He asked why. I told him because I didn’t know him, so I couldn’t trust him, so I don’t like him and I can’t date him. Harsh, I know. I realized that afterwards. It was true though. This whole time I thought I really liked him. But really, he’s someone who makes me want to be a better person, yet go on a killing spree at the same time. I know now that I won’t be able to be honest to him in person and letters aren’t the way to go. Things will never be the same between us. I ignore him again. But now I’m never put in a situation where I have to talk to him. It helps. I feel so bad about everything. I don’t even know if he ever liked me though. It’s so complicated.



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