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November 30, 2011 - First Entry

November 30, 2011 10:29 pm
To be honest, I don’t know why I am writing this. Maybe I’m hoping if I start writing about my life, something amazing would happen. I’d really like that, though, my life has been terribly boring. Which is usually so weird to hear from a teenager, because these are the prime years of our life, right? Not so much for me. I’m invisible. Invisible people don’t have many friends, they don’t have guys chasing after them, and they don’t have plans to party every weekend. They sit alone, and they think. They think about everyone else and how unlike anyone they are. They think about how imperfect their life is, and all they could do to change and improve it. They spend more time wondering about the life they could have rather than trying to live it. It’s a weird concept, being invisible. But somehow I’ve gone through 15 years of it. I’m starting to question how much longer I can take it. I’m supposed to be having fun and making friends and smiling. I’m doing the complete opposite; my laptop and my pencil are my only friends.
Rereading all of this, I know what you are probably thinking; I’m just some whiny teenager, that there’s nothing wrong with my life except my habit of complaining. However, you’re wrong. For the most part, that is. There is nothing evidently wrong with my life, but if you look beneath the surface-and I mean really look-you’ll realize so much. You will see all the sad and scary images in my head, you’ll hear my self-conscious thoughts and how negatively I actually perceive things to be. I’d look so happy on the outside, but on the inside-it’s hell. I think that is sometimes why I never open up to people. I have a fear of shredding open my heart, pouring it out, and not having anyone to help me clean up the mess. If I tell someone my problems, I want them to mean the world to me. I want to be sure they won’t leave or judge me. That’s why I refuse going to a counselor; Why should I explain my life story to a stranger I just met, only to fill a timeslot my mother paid for? How will I know that they aren’t judging me and my thoughts, my peculiar look on the world? That’s right-I couldn’t.
I’m just a reserved person, shy. I tell myself this every day. And I hate it. I want to be social and be able to walk up to a group of strangers without the fear of them judging me. Yet every opportunity I follow, leads me down a dead end road. I need to catch another trail, escape to another town. I’m done with this town and all the people in it.
I wonder what it is that makes me dislike everyone here so much. Maybe that they’ve all hurt me in one way or another, intentional or not. Maybe they were my best friend at one point in time but now I’m not even worth a dime to them. Maybe they’re a pretty girl with a better body than me who got the guy I almost had a thing for. Maybe they’re a boy, or a teacher, or somebody else who made me hate who I am. Everyone I know has hurt me, it’s all I’ve ever known; to love is the route to heartache.
I overanalyze way too much. I think too much in general. As I sit there in class, thinking about the last conversation I had with certain people and why they haven’t talked to me lately, I just watch people. I notice their reactions and I observe their body language. I find the human race amazing. I don’t understand some of the things we do, why we lie and why we act certain ways. I’d really like to learn more about it. I don’t know if there is a job out there for this interest, but I can stick with just people watching for now. The best people watching moments have happened to me when the person thinks no one is looking, or straight to my face. I’m a good reader and I can see straight through lies. Even through the simplest words, I can’t be fooled. Three years of being lied to can teach you a lot.
That sounds slightly disgusting, doesn’t it? The human species would be expected to have some heart at least, to maybe tell a lie here or there. Not for years on end. This would have to be one of my main points in why I believe every person is conceded. Now I realize this sounds horrible, let me put it in perspective for you; Say you and ten other people are trapped on an island and only one of you is allowed off alive. Your first thought isn’t to ‘save the nice guy next to you’. It’s for you to be that one person. Granted majority of life’s decisions are not that dramatic, it always will come down to oneself. Don’t get me wrong though, wanting to stay alive is not the conceded part. Think about how much you would care for everyone else’s happiness on the island; would you tend to the emotional ones or stick to keeping yourself together and staying alive? I’m not ashamed to admit that I would stay reserved to myself. That’s just how the human race works. We can be nice, but our own level of happiness will get in the way eventually. It never fails.
These are only some of my views on people and things. I’ve barely even gotten started. Like I said earlier, I think too much. I have too many opinions and beliefs, even though they’re scattered. I hope writing this will help me sort it out. I hope writing this will do a lot of things for me.

-Invisible





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