Nightmares in the Daytime

March 8, 2012
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I never wanted to hurt anyone. It was all an accident.
I beg with the monster, I plead for it to listen to reason. But the monster stands strong. Punishment is justified for criminals. It’s justified by the law. It’s considered morally correct by society for people who murder or steal to be locked behind unbending steel bars and be monitored for as long as deemed necessary.
Jesus Christ may have died for our sins but horrible people are still damned to hell. It’s a there is a price to be paid sort of deal. The law allows it, God allows it.
But I am no criminal.
I have stolen no material objects. I have stolen, but not lives, no thoughts, words or possessions. I stole his heart but mine was stolen by another and I can’t get it back.
Punishment.
When I tried to give it back to him he wanted me to keep it. Said he wanted me to have it. I wish I could find the word to describe this feeling.
It fills my whole body with the bitter taste of guilt, the sweet taste that comes with feeling wanted. The cold fire that accompanies an evil act burns in my chest, threatening to grow larger with each step I take.
Punishment.
I deserve it for stealing his heart.
Breaking it.
You can never return anything after its broken. Maybe that’s why he wont take it back. This feeling, of not knowing what I feel, how I should feel, what I should do. I decide to label it confusion. But I know it is much more complex than that. I feel ready to die, but I love life, I want a future, I need something more.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I was the monster I fight in the night time.
Head on head. Head versus heart.
My thoughts frighten even me sometimes.
Making me wonder why I can act so happy, jolly, good hearted. Yet still have
Scared shaken thoughts. Scared shaken memories.
Memories that are so wicked I cannot determine the reality of them.
This must be all in my head. I know it is.





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