“Stop it Kayla!” I tell myself when I want to cry over him. He left you; he doesn’t care about you, HE DOESN’T WANT YOU. This happens almost every night. I start feeling sad, then the tears start rolling in and they keep rolling. Some nights I don’t think I’m ever going to stop. I get a headache, and that just makes it worse.
Simple objects, such as family pictures, Dairy Queen, and a letter from a fifteen-year-old girl, serve as symbols for the most important items missing in my life. When you think of family photos you think of the mom, dad, and kids all dressed up nice, and they look really happy. My family pictures it’s only me and my mom because my dad left us when I was born. He said, “I don’t want kids at this time in my life.” It makes me mad when I know that he’s married and has a step child that he cares more for than me. That is so wrong on so many levels. When I was little I really didn’t think much of it, but now that I’m older, and really started thinking about it, it’s a big deal not having a father there when you’re growing up. It was hard growing up without a father, not being able to play catch, play in the yard and just have fun. I’ve had father figures in my life, and I know they’re not going to be like my father, and abandon me like he did. Sixteen almost seventeen years he’s missed from my life, from me winning awards, doing good in school and getting medals & trophies from the activities I’ve been in. Every day I hope and pray that we will hear from him and wants to meet somewhere, but day by day my prayers go unanswered.
When I was fourteen I made the decision to meet him, so, I told mom. She said, “Well when do you want to?” “I don’t know” I said. A few months later we had went to town earlier that day, and when we got home mom said that she had a feeling in her stomach that I had to meet him that day. Mom called him and asked, “Can we meet somewhere?” He said, “Yes.” Mom didn’t say why she needed to meet with him. Pawpaw was at work, and I wanted him to go with us. Mom called him as we were leaving the house and told him to meet us at a gas station, so I could get in the truck with him. This is because if he saw me getting out of the car with mom, he might try to leave. We were meeting him at DQ in Longview, when we got there he was already there because he works right up the road from DQ. Mom got out and went in, a few seconds later, me and Pawpaw went in. I introduced myself and he did also. “So why did u leave us?” I asked. “Well, I wasn’t ready for kids at that time and I was young.” “It’s been 14 years and you have never tried to contact me, and I can’t even try to count how many nights I’ve cried and prayed that you would call and want to meet, but it never happened.” He said, “Well I’ve been really busy, and my wife is the main reason why I haven’t contacted you.” “Why?” I asked. “I don’t know but that’s fixing to have to change. I’ll tell her to deal with it.” I was so happy that he was in my life. He said “Why don’t we wait a couple of weeks, because I have stuff to do this weekend. When I’m free I’ll call, and we can make plans, maybe go bowling.” I said, “Okay.” I hugged him for the first time, and it brought tears to my eyes. Mom gave him a picture of me, and we left. Pawpaw told us that he wanted to talk to him privately. Mom and I went to a gas station and waited for Pawpaw. When Pawpaw got there he got in the car with us and told me that I was very professional and didn’t make a big scene about it. Two weeks went by, and he still didn’t call, or anything. Maybe he forgot and he will remember; a few more weeks went by and still nothing.
A year later and still nothing so, I thought I would write him a letter, and send it to him. I told mom and she asked, “Well what is the letter going to be about?” I said, “Well, first I’m going to tell him how I feel, and that I would like him to be in my life and other stuff.” “Wait until you know when you want to send it and what you’re going to say.” “Okay” I said. A few weeks passed by, and finally I knew what I wanted to tell him. At first I just started writing stuff down, then I got a few ideas and wrote them down and before I knew it I had my rough draft. "You should be ashamed of yourself for just leaving us like you did.” Was one of the sentences I had written down. I also had, “Why did you lie to me? Why did you not call after two weeks like you said you were going to?” I told him that, “You don’t know anything about me like my favorite movies, books, color, etc…” “You didn’t have a dad when you were growing up. Do you really want to follow in his footsteps? When you get older and you’re thinking about what all you had done in your lifetime, and you realize that you had a daughter that you never knew. How would you feel when you figured that out?” When I was done I went over to pawpaw’s house and he helped me with grammar, spelling, and how to reword sentences so they would sound better. The day I was done, I put it in an envelope and sent it to him.
I’m sixteen almost seventeen, four years since I met him and three since I sent him the letter and still nothing. Many items are missing from my life, but the main thing is him. I still cry over him at night, and I get so mad at him. All these ideas are rolling around in my head. What am I going to say to him when I find him? Is he going to try to be in my life after that long? One day I hope he realizes what he has missed for the last seventeen years.