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Gone Forever

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Thinking about you going to college is hard. Who am I going to go to? I feel comfortable talking about anything with you. Some things are awkward with mom and dad, and even though I do talk to them about the same things, I don’t go in as much depth as I do with you. I know we can text, but it’s not same. It’s hard to explain. It’s not the same to talk to you in person than it is through words. I feel as if I can’t express myself as thoroughly as I want to you. Knowing I’m not going to be able to see you everyday and screaming “FRUITCAKE!!!” pisses me off. I look up to you, and to be honest, I love it when people say oh my gosh your Amber’s mini, or you guys are twins, or you look just like Amber!

I don’t want to hear you say ever again that I shouldn’t have gotten stuck with you. I don’t understand how you could say something like that, it’s frustrating. Everybody always tells me how amazing you are, why can’t you see that? I don’t want to hear you ever say again either that I shouldn’t feel the need to be the stronger one. I will always be strong in moments when you need me to be, anything that will get a smile on your face. You can rely on me for anything. You deserve to be happy. You said how you saw the tears rolling down my face and it was you’re fault because you caused them. If I collapsed at your birthday party, you would be the same way. Yeah, I would feel the same way you did – feeling like you ruined my birthday and everything else.- But, the funny thing is, is that you didn’t ruin it at all. If anything you made it exciting. * Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, nudge. *

I’m glad that you came to me about that boy you were with for a long time who cheated on you. I will never forget how upset you were. I don’t appreciate him doing this to my Fruitcake, I don’t know what that girl had that you didn’t, but absolutely did not have any dignity for herself. I don’t why he did that or what was going through his head at the time, but just know one important thing; it was not and never will be your fault. If he couldn’t see that he had the most beautiful, talented, intelligent girl in front of him, then he has major issues and is blind. He didn’t deserve you. “When things go wrong, that just means God has something better in store.” So obviously God has something better in store and I’m sure you will find him. Don’t let things bring you down and always stay positive. Don’t think about the bad things in life.

Just please promise me this? In college, make the right decisions, choices, and actions towards everything, including boys. I don’t want to see another guy hurt you like the boy who went behind your back with another girl because when you told me and called me and you were crying, can’t say you weren’t, it broke my heart. I don’t like seeing sad tears. If I could, you know I would speak my mind to that jerk in a heartbeat. But I can’t so I’ll just keep my insults to myself.

When you’re sad, I’m sad. When you’re hurting, I’m hurting. When you’re in pain, I’m in pain. When you’re pissed off, I’m pissed off. When you’re miserable, I’m miserable. When you’re crying, I’m crying. When you’re injured, I’m injured. Yet again, when you’re happy, I’m happy. When you’re hyper, I’m hyper. When you’re excited, I’m excited. When you’re positive, I’m positive.

Well I really wish you didn’t have to leave. I feel like I’m loosing my best friend or somebody is dying. I’m going to feel alone, and crying is going to be what I do in the beginning. When I go into your room and your not there reading or on your computer, is hell. Who am I going to go to for advice? Who am I going to talk to about boys? I don’t want you to leave. Thinking back of from the time we were born to now, makes me want to cry. Our car rides, dancing, shopping, our happy and sad tears, smiles, laughs, everything.

I’m going to be on my own and you’re not going to be with me every second of the day any more. First you made me a poster with pictures of us and a poem. Then you made me a collage of pictures of us together with a poem you made by yourself and you framed it. I will give you something back and I promise, you deserve it. You deserve the best for everything. I think about what I should do for you every day and something that will be ten times better than what you have done for me in the past. It has to be like a congratulation, good- bye, and present gift. Something speculator and that will make you cry just has hard as I cry the night you leave.

At your graduation I’m going to feel depressed and lonely. I’m going to feel your arms wrap around me when you say good- bye as you give me the biggest hug. At the same time, I’m going to taste every salty tear that slithers into my mouth. I’m going to hear “I love you” being said over and over again and “congratulations to the class of 2011.” Scary thought. I have less than about a hundred sixty days left with you. I’m going to smell the smell of high school diplomas and perfume and cologne of everybody that is nicely dressed at your graduation. I despise thinking about this day with a passion, it’s going to be one of the worst days of my life when I see you with all of your suitcases walking towards the school as we drive away, watching you walk away in the mirror with a foggy sight because of my eyes getting teary. I can vividly picture that scene in my mind, if I was an artist, I would draw and you’d know exactly how I see that day.

I remember how you wanted to name me Tree House and Joshua Rainbow Star. The home videos of when I was in a diaper and in your shoes and only about three years old and Dad was telling me to come over and I said no! Then he said Nicky, come show your shoes to the camera, and you said, very angrily, those are my shoes Daddy. And I said well they’re my shoes now! Well wasn’t a sassy girl? I remember the video of us with no bathing suits on going down a slide and landing in our pool. Watching it ten years later you said, damn Nicky, you had five butts!! Yes I still get told I do, it’s not that big Fruitcake. The good memories of us dancing to the Backstreet Boys, our obsession, good times that will be missed. I wish we could go back in time and play over all of our good times together.

All of my friends make fun of me because apparently in every conversation I’ll blurt out of no where, I miss my Fruitcake guys. I’ve never notice; I guess it’s just habit.

The letters I write to you all have dried away invisible tears on them. I’ll never forget how many tears rolled off of my cheeks onto those letters. Smearing the writing and having to erase it and rewrite it so it doesn’t look messy. You don’t know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep, already, because I can’t stop thinking about you leaving next year. Think about it, this is the last year I have everyday with you. Well hear comes the water works, again, nothing new. You’ll never know how important you are to me, how much you mean to me, how big of place you have in my heart, and how much I love you.

Next year when you’re gone, oh dear lord, I’m going to be a complete mess. You can say I’ll be fine but oh, trust I will be far from fine for a while. I’m not going to care about anything except for how you’re doing, if you’re okay, everything about you is the only thing I’m going to care about. This is going to be true hell. I’m going to be stressed out all of the time, worried about you. I’m going to give you my word now and I’m going to try and go to every single one of your games to cheer you on and support and to most of all, see you! By the way, I’m extremely proud of you, getting a scholarship and getting told by the head coach that you’re apart of the Hawks. Unbelievable! I’m proud of you everyday, for everything you do. Please stay positive next year and text me or call me everyday and night to tell me how college is. Visit me as much as possible, please! Words can’t even explain how sad I’m going to be…

You’re free spirited, loving, caring, kind, generous, everything a perfect human being is. I know for a fact that a lot of girls in our school are jealous of you! I would be but since I get told I’m your twin well yeah know... I love you big sis always remember that. I love you so much! Have an experience of a life time in college, a good one of course. Stay positive and keep promises. Promises including the promise you WILL make to me about what I asked earlier. Please… Love you more than words can explain, good luck Fruitcake!!



Love Always,




Baby Girl





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