Dear Kyle

Dear Kyle,

I so desperately want to sleep but you’re on my mind. On my mind so much all I keep thinking is different thoughts of you. So many questions I have in my head that will never be answered. So many things I wish I could tell you. I honestly don’t ever recall being so distraught over a death. Not even a family member. And we lost you to drugs. Drugs are supposed to be fun—you aren’t supposed to die. You can’t have fun and be dead, can you? Kyle, you tell me. You’ve got all the answers but you’re so distant. For some odd reason, I can’t help but to think this wasn’t an accidental thing. Something tells me this time was different. Something tells me that you knew you wouldn’t make it through the night. I feel like you wanted this. Wanted death. To be free of pain, stress, and misery—I don’t blame you. I almost wish I could hop on the same boat and sail away with you to LaLa-Land, that’s unrealistic, isn’t it? I just wonder, will forever be wondering what was going on in your head the last few moments you spent on Earth. Did your life flash before your eyes? Did you realize, ‘Oh f***, I made a mistake’? Was it the exact serenity and state of peace you longed for? Are you really in a better place? My mind is racing… Racing… Racing. It’s no use but this writing helps me feel better. Helps me sort my thoughts. I cannot eat. I have no desire at the moment. I am sickened. I wish I found out sooner. I feel like a pathetic loser finding out 2 months late. Some real caring friend, eh? I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I could’ve been there for you no matter what you were going through… You know I would’ve been. Now it’s too late. I’ve been crying for hours and it’s not bringing you back only making my eyes puffy, red, sore, and hurt but I cannot stop for the life of me. I keep asking, why?! You’re someone I’ll miss forever. Someone I’ll always remember. You were and still are a great ass wonderful person no matter what you or anybody else thought or had to say about you. I feel as if I could name 100 other people I’d rather have where you are now (and I guess that’s quite nasty of me but it’s the truth). I wish you could read this from your pedestal in heaven. Oh boy, I bet you’re runnin’ that s***! I hope you’re happier in your next life. I’ve been told not to be upset but celebrate your life, apparently that’s what you’d want… But, how could I celebrate something so depressing? How could I possibly celebrate and feel this much like complete s***? I wish you could’ve gotten help before it was too late. Before you took matters into your own hands. I’d like to believe it really was an accident. But I’m not so sure I could allow myself to completely believe that. Especially knowing you weren’t in the happiest state of mind. I love you. I really truly honestly do. I wish you were here to actually hear me say it and mean it. So many others love you too and will miss you. I wish you had realized. Actually realized, we all care about you. I wish I were like Dr. Frankenstein and could bring you back… Wishing gets me nowhere fast. I keep rambling on and on, but it’s helping the tears not stream down my face. I’m listening to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd while thinking of you. While writing to you, which of course, is silly… Is it so silly? For all I know, you’re here reading over my shoulder laughing at me. Or maybe crying with me? If there had been something I could’ve done to help, I hope you would’ve told me. Or if anybody could’ve helped you for that matter. You’re such a beautiful person, it’s a shame. The whole situation is shitty. I feel for you and your family, your closest friends. They must be dead inside. Must feel even worse than I do. F*** Kyle, I want to hear your Goddamn voice and see you smile. See you grow old and do great wonderful things. Definitely wishful thinking at its best. So much good could’ve come out of your life. I’m upset that instead it had to end this way. I’m disappointed you couldn’t see the silver lining in the dark black rain clouds… Now you’re in the clouds. You’re an angel now, maybe you always have been. The only angel in the sky I pray to. Or will be praying to anyways. You’re in my mind and heart, always and forever.





Yours Truly,







Nikki XOXO <3





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