It’s amazing how humans can hold so much “forbidden” information. It’s amazing how one day you heard something about someone that severely damages their reputation, but the next day you treat them like gold even though you know something dark about them. Your friend tells you that they want to kill themselves and that there’s nothing in the world worth living for. They show you their palm, there’s a heart that was cut into their palm. They also tell you of their late nights sneaking out of the house driving all over the state, drinking, and smoking weed. They ask you never to tell a soul and you promise not to tell. The bond between you two is so great that your counterpart would never think about you spilling what they said. That information sits in your mind and manifests itself. You think, what would happen if I just let this slide? What would happen if I asked an adult for help? What do I do? You toss and turn all night. You hold a bit of information that can determine so much. The next day you decide that you need help on the matter, you talk to an adult that you trust with your life. You are relieved that you had someone guide you, someone to help you settle your conscience. You leave worry free. You are in homeroom talking to your friend; they say that they are better today. It hits, you reacted too fast. You just ruined everything; you just destroyed your relationship with your friend. Everything you have worked on from minute one of your friendship up until now is gone, out the door. You start panicking thinking, what do I do know? Do I tell my friend I acted hastily? Do I tell the adult that it was all a lie? Do I tell them that I just overreacted? It’s too late for all of that. The game just began. You go home to your sanctuary only to find yourself worrying about the events that happened. Your mind prevents you from eating, talking, paying attention, doing anything. You can barely sleep that night. All you can think about is your mistake. All you can think about is the moment you acted so human that you told that bit of info. You go to school the next day paranoid and sleep deprived. You are called to the guidance office, the adult you told reported it to the counselor, and it’s the law. You have to spill your guts again. The guilt is now building. Everything is over. This time there is no going back. The situation elevates and you’re screwed. The counselor talks to your friend and their parents. You get a text saying how could you? The wave of guilt, anger, depression, and nothingness hits you at full force. What do you do? You act human: you lie. You tell them that you didn’t say anything, you would never do anything like that, and someone must have over heard us talking. You know it’s a lie, but you have the need to cover your ass. They believe it and the guilt just builds. Another night of no sleep. The next day you act like it’s nothing and just coast through the day. Everything’s a blur. You didn’t/couldn’t pay attention in any of your classes because you could only think about what you have done. Your lack of attention is catching up when you don’t know how to do your homework or forget to do it all together. Your mind is now everywhere, trying to do everything at once, trying to catch up and make up for lost time. It’s too late. The damage is done. With each passing moment of the day the guilt builds and builds. Now you are stuck writing how you feel on a word document…….feeling nothing. You should be doing something else, maybe your work, maybe catching up on your late homework. What’s wrong? How can I stop all of this? I just wanted to help them.
The Domino Effect
November 30, 2011