What do you do when you lose something abstract, something non-tangible? Something like a first-kiss, to a person that never deserved it? I mean, it’s not like you can just go around putting up posters reading, “LOST: first kiss; last seen with such-and-such person; $500 reward if found”. Because it’s not something that can be retrieved. It’s not visible. Not tangible. Not retrievable. I wish I could go back to that day, turn around, never knock on his dorm room door, and never have to live with my current regret. But I can’t. I’d give anything to turn back the clocks, to change my past, and be given back my last shot at innocence. But I can’t. So instead, I’ll sit here, wasting day after day trying to drown out the memory and forget that it was ever stolen to begin with. But I suppose I can’t even do that, well not effectively at least. Because he stole more than just my first kiss, he stole my piece of mind. I no longer trust guys, I no longer trust myself with them, no longer trust my judgment. As much as I hate to admit it, he taught me something - that I need to be more careful. So I can’t forget him, it, everything that happened completely, or else it will just happen all over again. The thievery, the lies, the deception, the pain, the endless regret. Can’t I just please go back? Can’t I please just wake up from this nightmare already? No, the thing I lost is what forever ties me to my past.
Forever bound, forever gone
December 23, 2011