Sometimes Life is Ugly.

December 12, 2011
Sometimes life is ugly, for even the most optimistic of people. I know you are supposed to keep your head up high, always look on the bright side of life, after the storm comes the sun, even the darkest of nights has stars, and whatever. Frankly though, I think that’s bullshit.

Craig Derrin and I had been talking consistently for a year and a half now. I thought for sure we would end up together. I even had this joke I would tell my friends, that if we were ever to get married, my name would be Karen Derrin. I never said it out loud, but I wouldn’t have even cared. We slept together on Halloween, and it was so lovely. When I say we slept together, I mean it in the literal sense of the word. We held hands, talked about football, and fell asleep side by side. I woke up to a kiss on my forehead. The only way to describe that night is lovely, and the next morning, I went home in his t-shirt.

It’s still in my drawer.

We had a past, Craig and I. We had memories, about a billion of texts between us. We had chemistry, good conversation, and really good kisses. What we didn’t have, was a future.

My sorority’s semi-formal was Saturday. I hadn’t heard from Chris in five days and things were starting to feel wrong. I took my friend’s friend Brandon to the dance, a completely random setup that was awkward and strange to say the least. We were at the house, taking pictures before the buses left, when something I had never expected occurred. Craig walked in. Holding her hand. The new girl.

So Craig walked in with said New Girl, and everything stopped. Really! For a split second my heart literally froze in my rib cage. Have you ever felt your heart stop inside of you? It’s a phenomenal experience, I would never recommend. Due to the blatantly obvious eye contact we shared, I had no choice but to acknowledge his presence. We exchanged an awkward hug followed by a few awkward words. I don’t remember what I said, probably because it was so traumatic, but I’m sure it went something like this:

Me: “Hey.”
insert uncomfortable hug
Him: “Hey. You’re here too!”
Me: “Yep.”
New Girl: “You know her?”

And just like that, everything ended. The year and a half and the lovely nights and the flirtatious exchanges. Gone. The dance, was terrible. Craig and the New Girl made out, all night, next to me. I’m not kidding. We were literally adjacent on the dance floor. Me and Brandon, pretending to enjoy ourselves. And them. Enjoying each other’s faces.

Which brings me to my conclusion, that sometimes life, is ugly. No matter how many episodes of Sex and the City you watch, no matter how much macaroni and cheese you eat, and no matter how many “you’re too good for him”’s and “He’s just another asshole”’s you receive from concerned friends who are honestly just sticking around to make sure you don’t open a vein, life can be cruel, and for me, she’s a huge b**** with a sick sense of humor.

To all the single girls, women, gay boys, whoever out there: it will get better, but for now, let it hurt. It has been two weeks for me and I am no where near over it, but I’m on my way. Cry. Scream. Hate blog about him. Do whatever you need to do to just let it out. There’s no point in acting tough, because you probably aren’t. I’m not. For me, my relationship with Craig ended before it even started, but my heart somehow still got bruised. There is no avoiding getting hurt when you put yourself out there, but at least you tried. The best thing to do when life is ugly to you? Take a deep breath and have a good cry, and make sure the next time you see him, you look hot as hell.

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