It’s almost freezing in my mind. I threw a full glass of cold water on my heart this morning. Since then I don’t feel anything, my heart is still beating, I’m alive (well I suppose) but I’m cold, I feel cold, although it’s warm outside. All along the few past weeks I’ve been thinking about a way to interrupt the huge and killing pain that was growing thru my chest, I thought about different ways to end this torture. I was sitting on my computer a couple of hours ago writing some messages listening to Adele’s latest song, when I realized that the cure for my pain was in front of me since the very first beginning. What can put out a fire? Water. My burning heart has finally found the cure of its sorrow. It worked. I am completely released from that large weight on my chest, but it’s too light right now, too empty, too calm… too peaceful, too cold. Love turned my heart into a devouring flame, which destroyed every sweet memory I had, now that’s gone I feel so weird. Just like that sailor who fought brilliantly a great storm, once it has gone calm he felt strange and stripped of all his power. He spent his whole life fighting for his survival and now, that it’s over, now that he’s won he found out that this storm was his only reason to live, that the strength he has been given lasts only during the fight once it’s over he becomes stripped of anything else. That’s how I feel. My heart was created to fight, to burn, to suffer. Now it’s released it has nothing to live for, to keep beating for. In her song, Adele wishes him the best. I wish I could. I can’t wish him the best, can’t set another fire in my heart, can’t find enough strength to move on with its remains. I Can’t expose the ashes of my memories and feelings to the wind because I’m too afraid to be stripped of them too in addition of my heart, pride and love. In my case it never lasts in love. It always hurts instead. The glass is empty, so I am.
When it is over
October 13, 2011