Dear Clarissa

October 3, 2011
Dear Clarissa,
You must be wondering why I just gave you these pieces of paper. I can’t put what I want to say into words. I never have. I’ve made these awkward outbursts, but I’ve never truly told you what you mean to me. Not that you necessarily care, but I’m assuming you do because you’re here with me now
We have the chance to be apart of something great, and that’s why I haven’t given up yet. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad because I keep on screwing our friendship up by telling you how I feel, but I know that you have feelings for me. This letter was written by me to tell you how I feel. So if I’m wrong, and you have no feelings for me; don’t bother reading this. It’s just going to be a waste of your time.
The three days after we hung out in Miami, I was sure that you were going to say that you felt the same way that I did. Then that Sunday when we hung out, the first thing I thought when I saw you was, “Wow! Things may actually go right for a change. She’s going to say she feels the same way!” That was the best feeling I’ve felt for a long time. I tried as hard as I could to convince you that things could work between the two of us.
When we walked outside after that whole conversation, I felt empty. I felt like everything I wanted disappeared. I walked around the city for nearly an hour thinking about what I could do to get over you. The horrible part was that as much as I resisted, I ended up back in my room, dialing your number.
I was mad at myself for thinking you might actually have feelings for me. Just looking at you hurt. I knew that you weren’t thinking about me. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened with you, and while these things were going through my head, you were just going on with your life. You didn’t even feel hurt, upset, mad, or empty.
My biggest fear is that I’m your punch line. That you joke about me thinking we could actually have something. Clarissa, I don’t want to be “Gabe” to you. I want to be everything to you. And I’m not asking you to get up from reading this and do anything crazy. I’m asking you, at least, to be clear. As much as it may hurt you or me, I’m asking you to be as clear as you possibly can. “Maybe” and “I’m not ready” won’t work this time. It’s either yes or no. Do you or do you not have feelings for me.
The timing is never right, and it never will be. You need to take a leap of faith. Anything worth having requires a risk, and this is definitely worth having.
I know that this is right for both of us. We make each other laugh, smile, nervous, but most importantly…happy. I like everything about you, and I don’t think that I’ve put you on this unrealistic pedestal. The things I like about you aren’t unrealistic. I like the simple things. The awkward smile you give when you get a compliment, the way you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, your sense of humor, and your laugh. I like how there is nothing in this world that I would rather be doing than just sitting around with you. And believe it or not I even like how you make me mad. No one has the ability to piss me off like you do! But that’s what makes me know that how I feel is genuine. Because at the end of the day, no matter what you do; I can’t be mad at you. I can’t have any bad feelings towards you. You’re always forgiven.
The only reason I’m writing this is because I want you to know how I feel before you make any permanent decisions. Cause lets face it, I’m never going to do something like this again; at least I hope not. I have never worked so hard for something in my life! That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing…it’s worth it. You’re worth it. If writing this convinces you to give us a chance, then it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I haven’t been able to give up on the idea of us being together because when I think about how I would spend the perfect day. Where I would be happiest; where nothing could go wrong. I see both of us together in Central Park. It’s a summer day, and you’re in my arms. That is honestly why I feel so strongly about you. When I fantasize about that, I realize that I would do anything to make that dream a reality. This whole time, all I have wanted was to make you feel the same way about me that I feel about you. I don’t know exactly what it is we have here, and I can’t tell you that I’m positive it will workout. What I do know is that no matter how it begins or ends; us being together will be a memory that we smile back on as adults.
Clarissa, I can’t go on some sort of ramble explaining specific things about you that make me feel this way. All I can say is that when we’re together; it’s the best feeling I’ve had for quite sometime. The thrill and happiness that I feel when I think you like me surprisingly outweighs the distress I feel when you reject me. I can’t just be your friend. Whenever we’re friends I want to spend that summer day with you in the park. As long as I feel that way, I’m not going to stop asking. And because of that, I know that it isn’t fair for you to have a friend whose agenda is to date you.
I know that if you let yourself; we can be amazing. I don’t understand how only I can see that this is perfect. I mean think about it, no other guy is going to do something like this for you. And good or bad, no other guy is going to continuously go for it like I have.
I would do anything to make us work. I know you're scared; I am too, but you know just as well as I do, how amazing this can be. If you have any feelings for me, and I mean any; give us a shot. I’m not going to let you get hurt. And if you’re worried our friendship will be ruined forever; don’t be, because it won’t. If you’re worried I’m going to disappoint you or suddenly not have feelings for you; don’t! Let me prove you wrong. Let me show you that not every relationship ends in pain. Let me show you that I’m not like other guys. I’m special. You’re special. Us together would be more than special.
What’s the worst that can happen if we try this out? The reward is way better than the risk. We can take it slow. We can jump into it. I really don’t care. All I care about is that I have you. That’s all I’ve ever cared about. I just want you to give me a chance. Give us a chance.
I know that I don’t deserve you, but I promise that I will spend every day that we’re together, proving to you that I was worth the risk. I have spent so much time thinking, but to be quite honest; I’m done thinking! We are great together. We have fun together. We even look good together!
I know you may not be ready for a relationship. That’s fine, but if you have feelings for me, there’s no reason why we can’t start something great. I want to show you how amazing our connection is. Let me show you.
Were getting older. We’re going to be getting more mature. We’re going to be taking on more responsibilities. I want to get more mature with you. These are the years when we are supposed to grow up, and the only way to “grow up” is to take on experiences like these.
So with that however corny and childish as it may sound…I wanted to know if you and I can be or can ever be more than friends, with none of the awkwardness; just two people who’ve realized how they feel and are doing something about it. Because at this moment, there’s only one thing in this world that I want. And that “thing” is you.

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