We’re not together. Not physically. There is no label. No names to call each other, other than our own. We tried, and the beginning was bliss. Summer was bliss. I stayed up for countless hours simply because I knew that I would stop consciously thinking of you as soon as my mind drifted off to sleep. Countless hours of my mind whirring away, reeling over my luck. Talking to you made me smile endlessly and feel like I was at last worth something. But things have changed, and we can’t deny it. Is it really because of school? Or is that simply the excuse we use to cover up the truth. We decided to stop…whatever it was that we were doing. I think that has only made it worse. We promised to stay close, talk all the time, never let something come between us. What happened? I can’t call you mine, and yet I get jealous simply by the thought of your attention going to someone else. I don’t know why, and I wish I didn’t. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to go through each and every day wondering what you’re thinking and doing. And yet when we talk, my heart races. My skin feels warm and the goofiest smile comes across my face. I want to be able to hug you. To be in your arms. To feel your heartbeat, and feel like I belong. I want to go through the first date antics, the fooling around, the being silly, the laughter over nothing at all. We can’t experience the small and yet overwhelming rushes and joys of being young and crazily, stupidly in love. All we have is our computers, rectangular boxes that are supposed to hold us together. How can they, truly? There is nothing to stop the pain of distance; no hugs, or kisses. Do we keep fighting against it? Have we let it tear us apart? What happens when words aren’t enough, when apologizing doesn’t solve it, when love suddenly is not sufficient enough to satisfy us, but we know inside that we’re going to suffer without it, when we feel like simply giving up, letting go, and yet the only thing we truly want is for the other to be where we are. What happens then? I wish I could let go, forget, wipe away the memories. Maybe life would be a little bit easier. Maybe it would be easier to grasp the fact that I love you more than you do.
September 27, 2011