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A rainy day. (need advice. help.)
I'm here. I'm right here behind this wall. It's more of a window... A two way mirror, really. It's here because I can't get to you, no matter how hard I try. I have to keep an eye on you, because if I don't, you stray like a sheep.
At first it worried me. I grasped onto you, onto your force, so tight it gave my palm rope burn. I was terrified. I was a girl, thrown into womanhood, knees knocking, grabbing, pulling, struggling for what thrust me out here. Like a baby deer on ice. All I wanted was to hold you closer to me. Feel you there. Know you were there.
But I quickly learned that was not the way to do things.
You used that as control. While you were my first, I was your "only". You held me by the throat and used the love I gave you as a noose to hang me in the gallows.
You are an adult now. You were an adult then. Shouldn't you know better?
And I struggled to break away. And that's when this all happened. You were a startled rain cloud, crying and thrashing about. Pouring rain. Lashing for attention. Deafening thunder. Accusing for a rise. Painful lightening.
I thought that if I was to be a woman, I would at least be a stronger woman. But I was not a woman. I was a girl dressed in mommy's clothing. And you knew it. And I broke down. I fell like a kingdom of cards, into a million pieces on the floor.
No life, no thoughts, no more room for anything but you.
And it showed. I spent an entire summer, barred from the sunlight by your arms. I thought it was love and maybe in some sick masochistic way, it was. Looking back I know it was a game. All a big stupid game.
Meanwhile, whilst I was too busy tending to your self-inflicted wounds, my own home was falling apart. With the way events unfolded, my life was heading downward fast. And then I was stolen away overnight. No one knew it would happen, not even me, but it did.
I was so far away. I went from a snowy valley where silver stars greeted me at the door, to a yellow paradise where the ocean kissed at my feet. In an instant, I was lost and confused again.
And when I needed you to say something, ANYTHING, you were too busy finding something to replace me with. I hope that high was worth it. I really do.
I climbed out of that pit of despair all on my own, and flew back up to live with my mother. And with the discovery of a sound home, I found a mess you made. Huge. Catastrophic. And all for me to clean up.
And now, here we are. All bandaged and ignorant.
I do not want to be ignorant anymore. You may turn a blind eye to the hurt and suffering you poured into my skin, but I will not.
And that's what brings us here. He walks in, with that James Dean smile, brightening up the room with a natural warmth. I am cold. I want more.
I ask you for it; for that feeling I once had. That warmth everywhere. But our distance and lapse of years creates a void I feel we will never fill.
But he isn't far. He's here. And he's gentle and kind... And he's my own age!
On a hot summer day, he is the gentle kiss of a raindrop. A cool breeze. One of those days where you walk barefoot and splash in puddles. He is a beautiful raincloud, caressing the skyline.
I want to touch the sky.
Oh, but it can't just be that simple. You are still, in all fairness, my best friend. You say you love me. I love you, too. But I love you like a child loves a friend. I know this isn't fair to you, but I'm tired of always tending to you.
Oh, selfishness, why must you knock at my door?
So, readers, I only ask of you one thing. I need advice; Not your pity, not your hate. I need an honest opinion from an outside source.
Thank you so much. Have a good day.