The problem isn’t even that guys don’t like me; it’s always me who messes up relationships. My first boyfriend was wonderful; three weeks of freshman year was a total dream. He willingly met my parents; he hugged me and held me and made me feel safe and warm; he was wonderful. One night, standing in my driveway before he drove off in his blue pickup truck, he started talking about the stars. I know what was coming but I wasn’t ready for my first kiss. Now I regret not getting it from someone I truly cared about but, at that time, I was 14 and scared. He broke up with me the next day. Sophomore year came and along with it came another really great guy. He joined tennis just to be around me after school. He was shy around me and more outgoing with my friends, Jenny and Amber, but I could live with that. One day we agree to meet in the park behind the public library; big mistake. Being only 15, I had to convince my dad to drive me, and upon arriving at the park, he saw my guy. Although my parents claim not to be racist, since a dance in 8th grade, it was made very clear to me that I was only allowed to date white people. Well, my guy was sort of defiantly Asian. My dad say and that was the end of it; lectures from my parents after our park date led to a tearful “no” from me when he asked me out a week later. He had written me a poem; he was such an amazing guy! Perhaps a month later (probably less), he starts dating Jenny. Talk about feeling betrayed; by both of them! Moving on, this year (senior year!) a guy who had liked me last year became my boyfriend. So far, it’s kinda sucked. I got my first kiss, but it was awkward and we were hiding in a doorway after school (I should have gone for the romantic driveway setting!). He’s less attractive (to me) than my previous guys, and he’s so shy that everything that should be romantic or fun is just awkward. I really don’t like him very much, but I don’t want to break up with him because if my trend continues, I will only get one guy per school year, and unfortunately, he’s it. Should I be unhappy with him or lonely without? I feel like I always do the wrong thing in relationships, so even though my gut is telling me to break it off with him, I’m going to stick with it for a while.
I am such a screw up.
September 11, 2011