The pain slowly creeps in again. The anger, the despair. I can feel it slowly but surely consuming my every thought. It shadows my common sense and better judgement. My heart starts to beat faster, my head becomes dizzy, my palms sweaty. I close my eyes and try to numb the spinning sensation in my head. I'm vaguely aware that I'm still sitting in the same spot, not moved an inch. Yet, mentally, i feel as if I'm caught in a tornado. Swirling and flying. Then, falling, deep into the pit of my despair. Lower and lower i sink, until i've finally hit the ground with a thump so hard, i can almost feel it. I open my eyes. Yes, I'm still in the library of my school with the other students around me. I pick up my pen and draw a smiling face on my wrist; a pityful attempt at trying to cheer me up. But no, I'm still stuck in the pit, desperately struggling to get out. My attempts are all in vain. I sigh. Unfortunately, this is my life; from feeling perfectly fine to drowning in my own sorrow in less than a minute. I have to live wit this and just try to get through the day. The bell rings to let us know that this class has ended. I have to make a move to my next class. I'm stuck in a pit of depression, yet everyday life must go on. I must hide the fact that I'm dying from everyone around me. That's how life is as a messed-up teenage girl.
Just get through the day.
September 10, 2011