Good Morning

July 22, 2011
By , Dorset, VT
I open my eyes again. Sun is peaking through the cracks in the windows daunting me with uncertainty. I feel that pain in the pit of my stomach again. I feel it wrench in a way that makes my heart feel like it should crack right in half. My night was filled with dark dreams and nightmares that I can only remember vague snippets from. I remember a time when I didn't remember the pain. I remember a time when I was just numb.

It's just eight o'clock in the morning and already I wish the day was over. I bury my head into my pillow and feel the tears well up in my eyes but I push them back. I don't even exactly know why I'm crying, or why I'm so upset. I just open my eyes to a miserable little town in a miserable little world and all the good is just past my fingertips where I can't reach.

Everything is bleak and haunting. I look to my side and see my phone sitting on the side table. No new messages except one from my boss, hours ago, attempting to call me in on my day off. My mind drifted to him. I'm sure he was still asleep so I don't bother contacting him for another few hours. He worries me, really. I loved the mornings he was here. It numbed the pain in unexplained ways. He was the only one who could see something in my hallow brown eyes. I couldn't wait until I had that feeling every morning. One day I'm sure I would. I just wanted to keep feeling that look when I woke up. That look from someone where you can see all the love in their eyes and it was directed right to you. It scared me sometimes. Once you feel how good something is and it's not there anymore, life gets a little dimmer. I was always scared of happiness for this exact moment in the day. When I wake up and the world is on fire. When I wake up and I'm all alone with the thoughts running through my head that were derived from the most obscene corners in my mind. I could feel myself going crazy. I could feel my mind unhinging itself at the corners. It scared me.

Every morning I feel like life is just going to turn around and go straight in reverse. I feel like he stopped loving me overnight. I feel like my friends forgot my name. I feel like I am hiding in blankets from a world that couldn't place my face. I'm hiding from something that I can't get away from. I'm hiding from myself.

I often wake up wanting to end it all. I wake up with the thoughts of making a few phone calls and loosing a paycheck. I wake up to the thoughts of relapsing into every last mind numbing substance I once knew. I've been sober for a while now, not quite counting the days, but it's been a while. I remember when I used to take a straw to the pills and inhale. The pain would just vanish like it had never existed. I remember taking a hit of the dankest kush,for miles; just feeling the THC seep through my veins and take over my mind. I missed the take over. Where that bitter reality would just so happen to slip right through the cracks. I felt a little less crazy then. I felt at home with the small group that was just as f***ed up as I. If I could smoke one more bowl or blow one more pill, I'd feel at ease; but that wasn't my life anymore.

When I met him, my life was all sorts of lost. When I met him nothing made sense but it flowed anyway. I missed the simple flow of the world. It was gone now. The thing is he made me want to be sober. He wasn't forcing me into this existence that repulsed me. I fell into this life that was real to the touch. When I looked into those eyes I saw real emotion. When I touched him I really felt him. When he curled his lips into a half a smile my heart was instantly warmed. One day I'll have that warmth every day. I needed a replacement for the rush that I once constantly felt. I knew it was in my head but I couldn't f***ing fix it.

He is working on it too. He's worse at it then I am though. The difference is when I was high, I was gone. When I was hyped on chronic the world was bliss. When he is, he still has got that faintest glimpse of reality. Mine is gone.

I sighed and rolled over onto my back. I couldn't escape the feeling but in a few hours, It'd be okay. In a few hours I could go and see something real. In a few hours, maybe it'd be a good day. Right now though, I just had to fight all those thoughts and feelings. Right now, I needed to fade away. I closed my eyes and felt the sadness. It was like a monster that was growing inside of me. Every day it only felt worse. Every day, the monster grew.

The phone rang.

I turned. I answered.

“Hello?” my voice was raspy from the night before. The sound made me itch for more nicotine. It was truly the most addictive drug I'd ever even touched.

There was a male voice on the other end of the line, “Good morning”.

With that, the monster was fading right away.

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