Internal Poison

June 23, 2011
By , Port Washington, WI
“These emotions are going to be the death of me”, is basically what I say to those who I feel comfortable around. Does not matter if I’m sad, angry, excited, pleased, happy or whichever emotion is out there, it disturbs me. These emotions cause me to second guess myself or to not have confidence in myself. Or my favorite, feeling like your just a nuisance to everyone surrounding you and why even bother speaking a word, when you know you are going to regret each syllable that escapes your mouth. Welcome to my world; it’s a challenge, so why have I not accepted it?

I live in a small town and attend a high school that is nearby my home, like any normal teenager. I have friends and teachers who love my hard work and bubbly personality. But what if these friends and teachers only like me because of the personality I have allowed them to see. Inside, I have created my own world of torment. Why though? I have not done anything wrong or have I? These types of questions are running through my head constantly. I’m crazy and I get that, but I know there has to be others out there feeling like this, but why do I feel as if I deserve all the punishment? I am this monster who was created from my own hands out of sheer will and pain. This monster I have become is devouring my heart and confidence each day, where does this so called strength come from that my mother tells me I have? I cause my own torment and am so hard on myself. Why?

I know these things I tell myself are most likely not true but deep down I believe them. When did this all happen, these heart-wrenching emotions that eat away who I am really supposed to be? Was I always like this? I know somewhere I’m this sweet girl who has such an outgoing personality, that I could just light up a room with my smile. Why is it so hard to be that girl and to believe in that girl? Why do I lock myself in this cage, holding the key to the freedom of my tormenting emotions? I just want an answer, some sort of answer; I will take what you can give me.

Behavior psychology wise, I am on an anti-depressant. I do have depression but does not occur severely until my emotions are kicked into overdrive during that one time of the month that every girl just “looks” forward to. I know I am not these things but it is hard to believe. Slowly, I start to think of the negative things I have just told myself and the negative things I have believed, and begin to realize they are ridiculous. I am this type of person who does care enough for people and who does have a positive outlook on life. This shroud of negativity just consumes me and I become delusional to all those positive things I know are true. I guess I am just lost like most people. I am no different.

But if I get rid of these self-hating, negative comments, will that change whom I am? I’ll stay sweet to everyone, will not speak up to defend myself so everyone stays happy and remain happy so others who are sad can feel happy for themselves. I am a sacrifice to those who are unwilling to overcome these self-loathing emotions and experiencing one extreme to the next.
I look back on this short essay that I wrote awhile back. It’s depressing and I cannot believe these feelings have been finally expressed. This path with these obstacles can be overcome but am I to overcome these on my own or are they to be demolished with the help of the people I love? Help is received, I just have to get over my stubbornness and let this positive light invade this darkness. It will happen someday, hopefully it is soon for these days are exhausting and I need to become who I am truly suppose to be.

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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

AJFruitninja said...
Jul. 7, 2011 at 8:01 pm
yeah I do talk to a counselor about it and she does help alot :P
AJFruitninja said...
Jul. 6, 2011 at 8:10 pm
I see. I'm glad that you're getting pro help, but I feel the same way sometimes too. I think negative and i just can't brush it off. Very good writing
kitkat1336 replied...
Jul. 7, 2011 at 11:17 am
Thank you very much for the comment, it is my first one. ^^ Yes I talk to my counselor when I feel this way and my mom, she is my greatest help. :) When you feel this way, I find that a relaxing nature/scenic spot is good, positive music or talking to someone. If you do need help, talk to me and I can do the best to help. :)
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