Time ticks. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, and generations. Time doesn’t heel all the pain I endure. It doesn’t take away any of the horrific memories of your suffer, it hasn’t brought complete peace, my heart is still shattered across the floor and there’s no glue or tape that will ever help it. I am surviving each day, wishing you were here to hold me, to tell me how beautiful I’m becoming, to laugh at my horrendous jokes, and to be there through all the challenges I’m going to face.
Nan, you’re gone. Whether you’re up with god or just gone, you’re not in the one place, I need you most... here. I can’t act as if everything is okay, I can’t pretend I know your better where you are without pain or suffering, I can’t lie to myself anymore. The truth is nothing is okay; I want to be selfish and bring you back. God, he should’ve waited, he makes me think he’s not real. Why would he want to bring tears to my eyes every night? Why does he want my family to be in pain? Why so early, couldn’t you wait a few years? Why did she have to bear everything she did?
I just wish she were here. To watch me get married, to hold my first child, to see me graduate, to watch me grow up, and teach me everything she knows. I miss her; she was my rock, my soul, my everlasting. They say this pain will fade, it’s been two years and the pain is worse. I’m finally realizing I can’t call you anymore, I can never hear you again, I won’t ever see you smile, sing me old songs, watch you dance to your radio, and I will never be able to say I love you.
I will pray, and I will think of you. Nevertheless, Nan, it will never ever be enough. . . Time doesn’t heel anything, time makes you realize.
Rip Lillian Maud (MacDonald) Finn, The most beautiful angel, I can only imagine... xox