Letters to Myself 5

By , miami, FL
I feel so hyper and talky right now. That’s strange. You know why? Because the day did NOT start out like that. Here I am, sitting in Mr. WhatsHisName’s waiting room (my family therapist. That means he gives therapy to everyone but ME. Poo. Big smelly poopies.), writing in my journal (what you’re reading right now) and feeling like jumping up and screaming YAY I'M HAPPY AND AMAZING AND ADORABLE COME TALK TO ME NOW when, earlier today I felt like hiding in an old caveman cave (my little happy twist to what I'm about to say) and slicing the hell out of my leg because I felt like I was worthless s*** that deserved to die. But you’ve heard all of this before. The reason I was feeling that way is because I went shopping today. To try on clothes, which are quite large for me. So not that many things were fitting very well, which made me go down the cliff because when I would look in the mirror, there would be me, fat, ugly, worthless. That is the reason why everybody tries to make me unfat by doing everything they could possibly do. By shoving ads for diets in my face every second of the day, by breaking my spirits with venomous comments about my weight, and even by making clothes that would make me look a little bit less hideously overweight.



Isn’t that crazy? People hate extra weight so much that they make clothes that are supposed to make it disappear. Well, visibly, anyway. But maybe it’s not so crazy because I hated my extra weight so much I cut myself and thought about jumping out of the car. I abused myself, verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, everything. Just for a few pounds. And by a few I mean a lot. I should not blame myself for what is happening to me. You know who I should blame? The bullies. Society. The media. They all lead me to thinking lowly of myself. Well my brother just came out of the therapy and he’s feeling sad so I will draw with him to help him feel better and shall finish writing this.

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Feeling a bit depressed. Feel like no one cares about me besides my family. I throw myself out there under the bus on Facebook by posting these, and then NO ONE CARES. Except for Naya. Thank you Nayaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 but, other than that, only my two best friends read them. I put them out there to help people, and also for a little secret selfish reason. To make me feel important. To make me feel like I'm not worthless. But I guess it’s not working. Bad idea. Now everyone knows my dirty little secret (if they even bothered to see what this is) and when I go back to school everyone will think I'm the “emo kid”. I hate that word. Emo. Ugh. The meaning of it makes my anger flare up. It’s just a stupid word that people made up so they could make fun of people who are in pain. Or at least that’s my understanding of it. If there is something else, please do let me know…..



Went to an appointment with my therapist today. It sucked. I really didn’t want to talk. So the entire session was her trying to get me to explain the way I was feeling. I told her about what happened when I went shopping. So at least I gave her something. I really want to cut right now. Why should I even fight this anymore? Why should I keep on going? Life is miserable anyways. I'm not worth anybody’s time. I don’t deserve to get better. So why should I try? Please someone tell me why. 'Cause I'm not.





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