Letters to Myself 3

June 7, 2011
By , miami, FL
Feeling very lonely today. Sitting in a dark room, the only light coming from the screen of my computer, as I sit here typing this, I think of how everyone at my school must be having so much fun with friends. And then there’s me, my life consisting of only sleep, therapy, misery, moments of enlightenment, and the few times that my teacher comes to my house and gives me a pile of work to do. So basically I have no life. Fun.

I yearn to go back to school. It will help me keep track of the days, give me something to do, let me have interaction with actual human beings on a daily basis that aren’t family, and keep me busy so that the urge to cut is less. Doesn’t it seem like it would help a lot? Gee, I thought so too. But my therapists and parents were worried about my safety. See, I would skip classes during school to cut because I was so miserable, but the thing is I'M DIFFERENT NOW. I'm not as impulsive, I actually have the motivation to get better, and I don’t even have any blades on me right now. Though that really says nothing, because money and Michael’s do exist, which could get me a new tool in no time. Even a sharpener from school would work. But not for me. Because I cut deep. I use things that are much sharper than a dull little pencil sharpener. I used to use a pocket knife. I remember it so well, as though it were in my hands right now. I had a relationship with that pocket knife. I believed I loved it and it loved me. I still miss it sometimes. When I think of it, I think of safety and protection. But that wasn’t what it was. I had mistaken an addiction for love. Terribly mistaken.


I've woken up this morning at eleven a.m. to an empty house and a freezer full of ice cream. Great. The thing that made me the way I am. Hatred burns inside of me. I might stop eating today. I remember those days, being obsessed with calories, exercise, and losing. Weight. The thing that makes me worthless. Because I have so much of it. Throwing up. That was so unpleasant. The grossest thing on earth. And very uncomfortable. But it felt like it was worth it. It was very hard to do, to pull off. A lot of the time you just give up after a while of yakking up some spit. Gross.


I feel like I'm being left behind. Having no life really takes its toll on your happiness. I feel like everyone at school is having so much fun, moving on to ninth grade, doing all this stuff, and I'm just barely hanging on. But you know what’s awesome? I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL ON APRIL 5THHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYY!! Finally I get to DO something. I'm so excited.

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