What If?

You know that place, the one at the intersection of “what if?” and “forget it.” That is where I find myself at the moment. As I look back on my life, on the moments that have caused me to break, to cry, to change (whether for the better or for the worse), I realize that for the most part, I couldn’t have changed a single one. But those are not the moments that I would like to focus on right now. I’d like to recall every time I was too scared to make something happen, something that could have been great, or horrible, something that I will never have the chance to know now.
W-H-Y? Three powerful little letters, that can drive you crazy if you let them. Why didn’t I dance more, why didn’t I laugh more, why didn’t I tell my crushes that I liked them? Was I wrong not to do so? Maybe not wrong, but certainly not well thought out. Or perhaps too thought out. I’d like to think I was being cautious, of myself, my future, not wanting to get hurt or let down. But where has that left me? Here, at this intersection.
It looks so easy when others do it: have fun, let go, act on impulse. Why can’t I? What if I never learn? What if I had acted on more impulses instead of holding them in, squeezing the life out of them, until the urge passed? What if those impulses had made me happier? What if they had been for the worst? What if I can’t move forward without letting go of wondering what could have been?
But, you know what, what if I can? What if I can forget it, move forward, and not be any worse off because of lost opportunities? What if those opportunities weren’t even lost in the first place, but simply not mine to have at all? What if I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and if I had changed a single decision that I’ve made, I would be in the entirely wrong spot? What if this is how it’s supposed to be? Because, that would be pretty cool.





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