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My Elders

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My mind is a blank and my mouth hangs open as I stare into endless space. My mouth has since gone dry. Why I am pondering and losing my self into the inner most personal places of my mind you ask? Well the pains of the morning problems will seem to only escalate to the peak of the climax as the day drags on. I hang my shameful head down the hall with the voices of my elders playing through my mind, overworking my brain to the point of insanity. The words that penetrated my soul and stabbed my heart every time a word came out. My heart was on fire and a million thoughts raced through my head but the only one that stayed was “I’m sorry…” The torture of those minutes dragged on into what seemed like days of hurt and seemingly neglect.

The words made me question who I have become and what is happening to me. Inside this outer shell is a small boy who just wants to be alone. But on the outside……well that’s the thing I don’t know what I have become anymore…

As I walk through the hallway every step seems like I will fall to the ground. My legs grow weak as I hear the words of my elders playing over in my head. I seem to get weaker by the second. I stagger to the bathroom only to see the outer part of my body I look into my eyes pale white eyes and see no one; there is no one in me anymore the little boy in my body is gone never to return again.
Three years, three years to prepare. I knew this would happen. I was ready physically but not mentally. My mind was still susceptible to the words that left the four teachers that I respected and loved…

In the avalanche of words that crushed my soul. The respect is still there somewhere… But the love is gone is dead. The power of their words was like a punch to the gut weakening me by the second until I was to weak to even talk back.

Now as I sit here in this room I feel the pain crawling up my back. An empty shell of what I once was. My shell echoes of the sound of emptiness. But now I have a saying that plays in my head. “Do not remember me by what I have become but on what I was….”





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