A New Begining

March 22, 2011
By , kirkland, WA
I felt a hot flash run through me and that’s when my chest began to close up, I couldn’t breathe. My heart raced, I stood next to the window gasping for air. I couldn’t stand up anymore, I was shaking, my knees were growing weaker. I felt light headed and nauseous, my mind went blank. I needed and outlet, and finally I had got one. I escaped to the restroom crying, waiting for that queasy feeling to go away…it didn’t. I had lost all control of my body. It was now controlling itself. The day was August,18,2007. I was waiting to perform a skit with my friends when it first happened. And it wasn’t the last.

A week after feeling constantly sick I got worse; I couldn’t fall asleep, I was just thinking about the next day. My brother made it worse; he pushed my buttons and the hot flashes came back. I ran to the living room, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t stop shaking my mother took me to the hospital. I had to wait for an hour but my symptoms got better the shaking didn’t. After monitoring me and taking x-rays, the doctor walked in and gave me the news. “ You have a Panic disorder”. I lay there flushed I had never heard if it. She explained it all to me. I felt cursed that this was happening, I hadn’t done anything wrong.

I spent the first two months of my eighth grade year searching for a doctor that would help me. I hardly went to school and if I did I wouldn’t stay long. It was hard to leave home. I’d cry and cried until my parents gave up and let me stay home. They constantly called doctors asking for help. Since the day I ended up in the hospital, my mom seemed to never believe what the doctor had said. I got overwhelmed with doctor appointments. I met Dr. Walker in November, I had no idea how I ended up at Children’s Hospital, but when I left that day, I knew that she wouldn’t let me down. I was prescribed Zoloft, an anti - depressant that also helps with panic attacks. Every two weeks I made a trip to see her, she’d increase my medicine and she surprised me by sending me to a Psychologist, Dr. Wiegand . He turned me inside out from the day I walked into his office to now.

I missed a lot of things. I missed a year of my life. A year that I could of spent doing what I hadn’t. I lost my love for playing the clarinet and being in band. My plans to be a new person and be outcasts with my friends. I missed out on dating and actually going out on dates with my boyfriend. I just wish I could have been that girlfriend he wanted me to be . I lost a year of my life. I missed out on things I wanted to do, like go to school on a daily basis or to go to a friends house with out freaking out. I couldn’t like guys because when I did id feel anxious around them. Causing me to think constantly about them and just worrying about what people thought of me.

I had to learn to not let the disorder control me but for me to control it. I knew that I had to push myself and face my fears not just once but multiple times to let my body know I was safe. I don’t consider the disorder a punishment but a new begging in life. I am now seventeen and understand my disorder very well. I feel like I need to help others and tell them they aren’t alone. This experience had changed me. I now feel like I have a purpose in life and that I am not a failure. I’ve learned that a Panic disorder isn’t the end but a new chapter in life.

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