Friendship Falling Apart

March 22, 2011
By , Mathis, TX
April Mendoza, Mthis TX

August 18th 2010, around 9:00pm-4:00am;

I was angry, very disappointed and near my breaking point, I was passing notes back-and-forth with Darian on my phone about how angry/disappointed/sad I was that David was gonna end up falling back into that w****'s bullshit. Again. It eventually got to the point where it was either get-up-and-leave or risk blowing up in front of EVERYBODY and saying how I really felt, and losing him. So me and Darian walked to the restroom, where I told her that being raped(supposedly) shouldn't be an excuse to act the way she did, nobody but Darian knows about my own childhood misfortune, so, I tried pulling myself together in the stall while Darian waited for me outside, about five minutes later, we walked back to the general area of where the rest of the high school band was, but I refused to sit by David and the w****, so I just walked to the gate on the side and stood there, talking to Darian, eventually starting to cry, David, after about 1/2 an hour(without even noticing I was gone in the first place, c***), eventually saw me crying and asked what was wrong, and then Darian replied, "What do you think", where he said, "Well I'm sorry I love her, we're only takling." and I said, while nearly crying, "Well, I'm sorry that you can't keep your promises! That's how it always starts with her." and David stormed away, Darian going right after him, to make sure he was okay, leaving me sobbing, because I then knew that I lost my best friend forever. Eventually Ashley and Malory came by and saw my crying, and asked what was wrong, I told them, where they made remarks about the w****, in order to make me feel better, which didn't help. Alexa came by, not helping, considering her and the w**** are like best friends, I didn't talk to her much. Then the band was called to get they're instruments/flags to play "The Star Spangled Banner", Darian tried to get me to talk to David, and I refused, I ended up switching my red flag to a blue one, so I wouldn't be near him, I started crying, again, saying "I wish I was back in Minnesota, I was less miserable there," and considering the fact that those were the WORST two weeks of my life, that says a lot. We played "The Star Spangled Banner", ran off the Baseball field, but our flags up, and loaded up the busses, Darian got my MP3 player back from David, and I blasted music in my hears, hoping to ease the pain, he eventually started calling/texting me from two seats away, and I ignored it, because I was in no condition to reason with anyone, especially him at that moment, I would've done even more damage to this situation. We arrived back into Mathis, I got all of the flags of off the trailer, threw them in the closet, and slammed the closet door shut. This seemed to set him off, he slammed his locker shut and stormed out of the band hall. I ran after him, like I always do, even though I'm regretting it, where I embraced him in a hug(which, I don't doubt will be our last.), and he proceded to tell me that I will always be more important than she would be, that he tried to cut himself with his earring on the bus, and that he'd never do that for her. But he still loved her, and he probably won't ever stop(which I highly doubt is true, he said the same things about Daisy/Azor), and I tried reconcyling with him, which he replied somewhere along the lines of "Why? So this can happen again?" and stormed off, for the third time that day. I started sobbing, again, and went home. Where I lied in my bed for hours sobbing, cutting myself and talking to myself while listening to "our" songs, which were songs that personally tied him to me(Don't Jump by Tokio Hotel, Brighter by Paramore, Seasons Of Love by The Rent Cast, ect.), I eventually couldn't cry anymore, dragged myself out of bed, and got on the computer, listened to even more saddening songs, looked up quotes on broken friendships, pretty much ANYTHING that would hurt my already bleeding wound(metaphorically, of course). And so people started to find out, and telling me that I didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve to lose MY best friend to a f***ing W****. Oh, you bet I was angry, but then the anger went away, and all I was left with were my tears and my sadness, and no one to call my best friend. I sat on my floor, staring at 16 Extra-Strength Tylenol PM's, wondering if it was enough to kill me, hoping it was. After a long fight with myself, I put them back in the can, telling myself that life would go on, whether David was in mine or not. I eventually layed back down, listening to the same depressing music, and cried myself to sleep around 4-in-the-morning.


August 19th 2010, 11:00am-9:00pm;

I woke up that morning, surprised I was alive, and hoping that the night before was just a nightmare, but it wasn't, and my hopes came crashing down again. So, I started crying, again, knowing nothing would ever be the same, I went about my day like I would if he had died(yes, that's exactly what it felt like, David, you're dead to me), crying, thinking of old memories, the OLD him, knowing that I won't ever get that back, -TWO F***ING YEARS ruined because of a f***ing W****, wasted, I defended you in front of my own Mother, and this is what I get?- Angry thoughts like those floated around my head, because I could barely even speak, my voice was so callused from crying so much the night before. Eventually, I decided I needed a shower, my body and clothes were stained with blood, sweat and tears, and I needed to get my mind off how hurt I was. I washed my hair. Scrubbed my face, and just took a scalding hot shower, hoping to remove anything of him from me, but I knew that wouldn't happen unless I ripped out what was left of my heart. An Incoming call from Darian's phone came in, I did't answer, afraid that it was him, and I wasn't ready to face him, not yet atleast, it turns out it was Darian, she had called three times while I was in the shower. That night my mom ordered hot wings for dinner, HOT WINGS! Out of all the days to get HOT WINGS for dinner, you pick the day AFTER I lose my best friend who loved them so dearly! Yes, and so I cried even more, I think mom has a clue that something is wrong with me, but she doesn't know what. I then put a song on repeat called Breathe Me by Sia, and cried for another 3 hours. That night, I sat on the floor in my room once again, staring at the pills, I didn't take all of them but I took most, atleast 10-12, and I told myself, that if I woke up the next morning, that I was done with the suicide attempts, for good.

August 20th, 2010 2:00pm-August 21, 2010 7:33 a.m.;

I woke up, and I woke up angry, angry I was alive, angry at David, but most of all, angry at myself, for letting myself get to the point where I didn't care if I lived or not, all because of the fact that I lost him. I cleaned myself up, threw what was left of the pills away and tried smiling. It felt so foreign to me, like I wasn't supposed to, like I was still supposed to be mourning. I moped around the house until about 5, when I decided, I was done being a depressed mess, I was gonna atleast TRY to be happy, because I honestly don't know if things will ever be the same, that if he didn't have the balls to call me and try to work through this problem, then he wasn't worth it. I started deleting and getting rid of everything that gave me contact to him or remind me of him, pictures on Myspace, Myyearbook and my phone, deleting him as a friends here and there, but I couldn't bear to rid myself of the music, because, although it reminds me of him, they're actually really great songs. If it "hurts to know how much he lost", then he shouldn't have did the things he did, he shouldn't have promised me on our friendship that he would never go back to that, KNOWING he would. Because I believe in people, and I hope and dream that they do what they're going to do. That's what really hurt me, that's the scar that might never heal. He's the one person who ruined promises for me, the guy who I thought would never hurt me in a million years.





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