“Have you ever loved somebody so much, it makes you cry?” I wish I could count how many times I’ve reminisced about the person I loved so deeply. It feels like nothing but shed tears and wasted energy, but it meant something, right? Love feels so magnificent when it’s right, but when it’s in its deepest well and the heart is hurting, is it worth it?
Walking home from school is when I first saw him. He was an ordinary guy that probably didn’t even know I existed. I had heard of him, but hadn’t had any interest in him becoming my boyfriend. Right before our encounter, I had just been let down by my crush who coincidently started dating one of my friends. My crush for that guy had diminished, and it was time to move on from it, but I had no idea what to expect next. One of my guy friends began telling me stories about his best friend, Tyre Bracken, but I nonchalantly ignored those stories. He finally came out and told me that the guy liked me, but he was too shy to tell me. I was pretty shocked. Being a skinny, dark-skinned, short eighth grader that had low self-esteem, these crushes from the other sex were not normal, but I stayed cautious. I did not want to end up like those other heartbroken teenagers who jumped quickly into relationships with broken hearts and hymens at the end of it.
Days went by, and Tyre finally got the courage to talk to me. It was two days before my aunt’s wedding when we exchanged numbers and began texting each other. It was all she wrote after that. From then on, we texted like fanatics. Through his messages, I began to see a softhearted guy who just wanted a “real girlfriend”. The night before my aunt’s wedding was when we first talked on the phone. I remember it because I had heard people saying terrible stories about him, and I was anxious to get the news from the source. I asked him questions like does he have a girlfriend, does he smoke weed, and does he cheat. He answered them truthfully, and I told him what I thought of that. I told him in order to be with me, you can’t smoke weed or “run” the streets. I have high standards, and they were not going to change for him. Eventually, he had a life-changing experience, got the message and stopped all of the actions that I thought were inadequate for him. This is when I started liking him more. If a guy is willing to change for you, there is a spark burning throughout the relationship.
As months past, the relationship blossomed with love, but one obstacle formed in the way. As Tyre and I began to become closer, there was this guy that started to like me. I didn’t know what to do. I was thinking, “I’m only one girl”. I told Tyre about it, but I always told him that I didn’t like this other guy, and he believed me, but secretly I did. Tyre was my boyfriend, and he loved me, but this other guy was telling me just what I wanted to hear. His game, as people call it, was actually working on me, but I could not admit it. I finally gave up on that other guy because I didn’t want to ruin what I had with Tyre. After sometime, I finally admitted to Tyre that I did like the other guy, and our relationship was never the same. I could tell that this hurt Tyre because he always brought in up when we had arguments, and from that point on, it seemed like he couldn’t trust me. It seemed as if not even apologies could make up for what I did, and guilt filled my heart.
Before I met Tyre, I knew him as only Tyre. I didn’t know that he was a spectacular athlete that everybody would soon worship, but I had a rude awakening in the coming months. Freshmen year is when I realized Tyre was one of the best football players that White Castle High had ever seen, and other people began seeing this too. I didn’t treat him any different, but I did see potential that I had never seen before. People, on the other hand, were hopping on the “Bracken bandwagon”, and that included little groupie girls. As sophomore year came, so did the rumors and other girls. If I could count how many rumors I’ve heard about Tyre cheating with other girls, I would probably have to use most the bones in my body. I had never been in these types of situations before, and I didn’t know what to do. I did ask him about the rumors that I was hearing, but being a teenage boy, he denied them or just lied his way out them. I didn’t have proof, so what good were my accusations? I started to observe his actions around me, such as not letting me see his phone. That was one of the most suspicious actions ever since we used to always exchange phones and even switch them for an entire day. One day, I snuck and took his phone, and I found exactly what I was looking for. The girls that I was asking him about were names recently texted in his phone. He didn’t even know what to say when I read them, but “I’m sorry” and “I feel so bad”. In the back of my mind, I knew there was a problem, but I just stayed, and patched up the scars the rumors and confirmations left behind.
Junior year came, and situations were not getting better. School wise, I was doing my best, and rose to top of the class. Tyre was also doing his best athletically, bringing White Castle High School to the State Championship game, and ultimately winning MVP. Only if our relationship could have been having as much success, we would have been fine, but it was the total opposite. Love was now involved, and it had been for some time now, but now it was deeper than ever. We began to spend much more time together, and intimately became closer, but these marvelous times were soon to be disrupted. The rumors came back with full force, and emotionally, I was not ready. I began hearing stories such as he was messing with one of my friends behind my back, and he was promising another girl that they would be together. It seemed like this was dream. My name was being humiliated for this one guy that everybody knew messed around on me, and I let it happen. I felt like my whole heart had dived into this relationship, and I was ready to fight for it, so I did. I stuck it out to the complete end until I knew that I couldn’t hold on anymore. It was more painful to stay than to walk away. I loved that boy with all my heart, and I will never deny that, but love is war, and I was ill equipped.
So it all comes down to this question: Was it worth it? Throughout all the times of heartache and pain, there was happiness and mutual love. This relationship gave me a real taste of what relationships are like. Although we were young, we knew what love was, and we found our way in and out of it. As time passes, I realize this experience will only make me stronger for my future relationships. I am a strong girl who now knows how love feels, and now I just have to wait until it comes back around for me, and handle it correctly next time. Ultimately, this experience was worth all of its gifts and shortcomings. As Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”.