Be Strong

February 2, 2011
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This is absolutely the hardest time of my entire life. Losing my Nonna was like losing a parent to me. She was one of the most significant people in my life and I am struggling with trying to find a way to live without her. With this sudden unexpected event in my life, my whole world has shifted. I have changed. Maybe this made me stronger or will make me stronger in the long run. Loss is something that everyone has to go through at one point and it is a part of life. People’s experiences make them who they are. Yet, in the process I made a mess of the rest of my life in attempting to handle all of my emotions.

I pushed everyone away. I did not talk to my friends or get out of the house. I spent more time in my house than I ever normally would have. I suppose I just assumed that I could not lose anyone, and that they would all be there for me. My friends tried to support me, but there really was nothing that could be said. Everything anyone ever tried to say to console me only made things worse or annoyed me because it was never what I wanted to hear. However, it was wrong of me to be upset with them because they were simply doing the best they could. None of my friends really understood, though, even though they tried to because most of them had never experienced what I was dealing with.

I have made an attempt to reach out to my friends. I miss my friends and I hope that I can rebuild my friendships that have slowly begun to fall apart.

With my boyfriend, I have begun to feel that I have lost all feelings for him whatsoever. For some reason, it almost feels like a chore or an obligation to talk to him. Honestly, I feel that I would not even care if our relationship ended right now. Unintentionally, I have been pushing us towards that happening, though I truly feel as if I could not care less at the moment. I have come to the realization that it is much easier not to have to worry about anyone other than myself. Relationships and friendships take effort – effort and strength that I just do not have in my anymore.

I am trying with all of the strength I have left to revive myself and repair all that is fixable in my life. I have found that the only thing I still know how to do is be funny. I am struggling with making conversation and talking to people. My reactions to everything are just sarcastic comments because it is simply easier that way. It is easier to make myself laugh and to portray an uncaring attitude. I have been doing that so often lately that I really do not feel like I care about anything. Though I suppose it is my way of coping, I am not proud of it. I am at a loss for how to change because my life has rapidly fallen apart. I feel broken and never able to be completely whole again.

There are so many things very wrong with my life. I have lost one of the most important people in my life and I gradually know that I am losing my friends. I do not know when my life is going to return to normal, even though I know I will never completely be the same. I miss the way my life was before; spending time with my friends and family, and enjoying my summer which was supposed to be a summer to remember. I have lost two of my grandparents in consecutive summers. After last summer, I had never imagined that this summer could have been any worse. Apparently, I was wrong.

Now I feel guilty enjoying myself. I cannot feel that way because I know that my Nonna would not want that for me. I need to be strong for the strongest person that I ever knew.

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