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"Pride Is What You Had, Baby Girl, Not What You Have."

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“Have you ever loved someone so much, you’d give an arm for?” Intense right? That’s what I thought when I first heard it. Now a couple of years later, and I don’t think Eminem’s got s*** on me. I can do better than that. Have you ever loved someone so much, you’d shed blood for? Someone you’d give all your time, all your effort, even all the things you always thought you’d never give; your pride, your soul, your most personal thoughts. Pride. Now that’s a good one. We women, we try to act like our pride is sacred to us, oh yes, we have our rights, and as soon as you infringe on them in any way- well, these boots are made for walking. But, contrary to popular beliefs and Jessica Simpson lyrics, chances are, if we love you, we won’t leave. Chances are, you can cheat, you can leave, you can spit on us, you can pull our hair and step on our hearts, you can smash our lives into pieces, and we’ll still make excuses for you and we’ll just promise ourselves we see the light at the end of the tunnel, and so we wait. Warning: if you just started dating a girl, NO, do not do all these things and assume she’ll stay, because this only applies to unreasonable and overwhelming kinds of love. No no, don’t show her what you really are in your first month together. Keep it as a surprise, it’s bound to give her the shock of her life later. After all, that is all you’re good for.

So, this boy, this so-called man, he can take everything out on you, he can embarrass you, make you feel like a slave, a dog, a prisoner. The prison is his, totally his, and he doesn’t mind having you in it. See, he used to hate to see you hurt, he used to respect you more than he respected his own mother, he used to protect you, cherish you, love you and most of all, he was grateful for you. He knew his life wouldn’t be the same without you. But then, there came a moment, may I burn in hell if I have the slightest notion as to what moment that was exactly, when he realized that he didn’t need to be amazing! On the contrary, he could be an absolute disgrace to the male gender and make you do all the heavy lifting, and you would still be there. What a beautiful discovery. Basically, whether he was amazing or whether he was an a**hole in every sense of the word, you weren’t going to be any different! You would stay, you would still love him, you would do all the work and he would just get to lay back and not lift a muscle. So, the person you fell in love with… he disappears. He goes into his own world. Be careful though, this doesn’t mean he’s gone forever, because he’ll show up sometimes, maybe as a tease or maybe it’s just to make sure that you’ll remember the good part of him, so you’ll never hate him too much for the bad. But every time he does show himself, chances are, it’s just an act. Just a piece of bait. You’re the little helpless mouse and whenever he feels like you’re just a little too far away, he’ll put out the cheese to trap you. Smart, these guys, we like to think they’re dumb and clueless, but no, they’re absolutely genius.

You know how the grieving process goes through specific stages? Yeah, well, this is kind of similar. First, you’ll be calm, thinking that this change is just temporary. Excuse #1: oh, he’s just in a bad mood lately. Second, you’ll start to get worried, but still, having a brain the size of a pea when it comes to him, here comes excuse #2: it’s okay, my poor baby, he’s been through so much lately, he doesn’t mean it. Third, you’ll realize how bad it’s getting, how distant he’s becoming, and that this is probably not temporary. This stage is the worst. This is the hell of all hells. This is what Lil’ Wayne was talking about when he said he’ll show you vouchers. You will ransack your every memory, check every conversation, try to remember every moment you were together, and maybe even ask him. You might be asking why? For what? It’s because you’ll be desperately trying to find a clue as to what the hell you did to make him hate you! You’ll search and search, and analyze for hours on end. Sleep is not an option here. But alas, you haven’t found anything concrete. Stage 4, you WILL find something, if you don’t, you’ll create something in the imagination you curse God for everyday. You’ll blame yourself, for everything. You’ll become an extremist, blaming yourself for the day you didn’t say I love you, for the time you went clubbing without him, for the time you gave your male best friend a kiss on the cheek, and all the other silly things that no one else would consider important. You, on the other hand, you’re convinced. Excuse #4: I’m lucky he ever loved me! I’m nothing but a flirt, a s***, a selfish and undeserving human being. Tsk tsk, you self-destructive girl, didn’t mother teach you to love yourself? It’s too late for that now though. Also too late for anyone’s words of advice. “Forget him?” Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that! You begin to sound like a broken record and pretty soon, everyone will probably get sick of you and your obsession. But it won’t matter, every word they said just went through one ear and came out of the other. Finally, you’ve arrived at stage 5. You will stay in this stage until the end of the time! Or so it seems. Excuse #5: one day soon, he’ll “wake up,” he’ll realize what he’s done, he’ll see how much you’ve sacrificed, how much pain he’s caused you, and then he’ll say sorry, he’ll cry, he’ll hurt over how much you’ve been hurting, and he’ll do the impossible to please you. Unrealistic, but you still try to bring him back, you try to change him, push him, make him react, make him fall in love with you again and you search in his eyes, in his words, for a sign, a sign that there is something you can do. But you’re exhausted, you’ve been treated badly so many times, you’ve been talked to in a way people you’ve cut out of your life used to talk to you, you’ve been crushed, defeated, destroyed. No, this doesn’t mean you’ve stopped. Far from it, you’re still crazy about him, still trying to see the light even though you know it’s getting dimmer with every day that passes, and you’re still waiting at his hand and foot. Let’s say he’s not feeling okay but someone you know just died. Don’t even think for a second that you’ll give yourself the chance to be sad or grieve. Hell no, you have a job, your job is to make him happy. You were BORN to make him happy. Your well-being doesn’t matter, you will sacrifice anything and everything. Pride? What an abstract concept it’s become. It used to seem so simple, you used to think, “if he’s good and deserves me, I’ll stay. If he ever mistreats me and doesn’t appreciate, I’ll walk away with all my pride and my head held high.” Don’t be so idealistic little girl, pride no longer means anything to you. You gave up everything, including your pride, a long time ago. Don’t come begging for it after this long. After all, your pride doesn’t compare to him, he’s your world, your heart, and you would risk it all for him. Because, well, he came, he saw, he conquered.





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