You know what? I HAVE changed, I’m not as innocent and nice of a girl as I once was, and believe me I have messed up multiple times. But hey, it’s not my fault i’m this way. I have drunken till I’ve past out, I’ve smoked, i’ve hooked up with multiple guys, stolen, and hurt the people who care about me the most. There are reasons I have done all of this, it wasn’t for fun, or because I wanted to be cool. There’s a deeper meaning behind every idiotic choice iv’e made. I have gotten a reputation already, trust me I know I have. I know what people think of me, but In a way it doesn’t really matter because it’s usually the people who don’t know me that have the most to say. And if you want me to say how much I regret everything i’ve done, honestly I don’t. Every mistake i’ve made has taught me a lesson, I have learned from each one & each one has made me a stronger person. I have no complete trust for ANYONE. Behind every smiling “friend” is a backstabbing b****, who in a SECOND will choose a hot guy, more popular group over you in a second. In the end everyones always going to leave anyways. So why give your full trust out to someone who won’t even stay around long enough to see the real you? I guess there was a time once in the day when I truly was happy, I had all I wanted, all I needed, I had you. But I made a mistake, I trusted you, too much. I let myself believe If I fell you would catch me. I fell too fast, and too hard. I believed in fairytales, and true love. But theres a reason why fairytales are fiction, because it’s all bullshit. I can’t help caring about you, i’m too weak to restrain myself from you. I can’t help wishing that you would love me, I feel like i’m always waiting for the moment until we talk again. I always wonder why I fell in love with you, but I can’t find a reason, I just simply fell. I know it all sounds like a cliche, like every other girl with a broken heart, but It’s not just my heart thats broken, everything is. When I see how your getting along fine without me, a piece of me breaks. Every girl who has you, is the luckiest girl. When she holds you, I hope she knows she is holding my whole world. I fall apart without you by my side. I’m stuck in the moments of memories of me and you, I can’t forget, but I don’t think I want too. But the story of me and you is way too complicated for anyone too understand, I don’t think I fully understand the choices I made, and I sure as hell don’t understand why you did this to me. Sometimes I feel so low, I can’t feel anything at all, so many promises broken, nights where i’d cry myself to sleep. And I could not talk to anyone about it, because my friends think it’s stupid i’m not over you yet. I can pretend real well though that I don’t miss you, but we both know if I looked in your eyes I would breakdown. Honestly I will never forget you, the thought of forgetting you makes my mind spin. Sometimes I wish I would did, that would make my life so much easier, I know. There are even days I wish I never met you, I wonder if I would have fallen in love with someone else, so easily as I had with you. If i would have become a different, better person. In the end, I drink to forget. I hookup with other guys because I want to make you jealous, I want to know that theres a place in your heart where you care still. But I promise you none of the other guys have made me feel the way I do when I was with you. Hopefully someday this will change, I WILL find that perfect one, he will make me feel stupid for falling for such a player. He WILL stick around to decipher the real me. He will break down the walls i’ve built and stay with me forever. Maybe one day fairytales will be real, and true love will find me. Maybe one day….
The Real Me
January 11, 2011